As I said in the previous post, the way I think about pregnancy is changed.
I was frustrated during the six-week holding period when I was advised not to attempt to concieve yet--like I was holding my breath for all that time. But that time was necessary for an emotional healing process. I mentioned that I was angry in the first few weeks and wanted to be pregnant again very badly. After a little time, I no longer feel like being pregnant again will make it all better--I no longer feel the need for the band-aid on the wound because I have healed since then. At this point, I do want to get pregnant, but I feel like it's okay if I do and it's okay if I don't. I actually have no interest in ovulation testing and charting and temping and all that stuff. When I got pregnant, I had a false sense of control because I had selected the due date for myself and, with the aid of an ovulation test kit, successfully got pregnant at the right time on the first try (again). Look how smug I am. But then it was over and all illusions of control vanished. (Very Flannery O'Connor, right?) So now I am ready to concieve again but not ready to set myself up for the emotional roller coaster of am I? or am I not? My husband also said to me that he doesn't want any testing or charting or planning. Just going about our lives and taking what we get. I think that those attitudes will change after a few months, at least mine will, but I like where we are now--not anxious to make something happen but open to it if it does.
But I have lost something important.
When I got pregnant, I was elated. When I was pregnant with RB, I was so afraid--I read obsessively, agonized over everything I felt and ate and heard. I would have invented things to worry about but What to Expect When You're Expecting took care of all of that for me (BTW, don't buy that book--really, don't buy it). And childbirth? How scary is that?! And what do you even do with a baby once it gets here--besides dress it up? But the second time, no fear. I was so confident! I had no desire to read a book or a baby magazine or pregnancy websites. I knew that I could handle childbirth--as long as there is an epidural in reach, I've got that covered! And I have been successful with RB, so I know I can get a baby from birth to two years, anyway. That's gone now. I know that if I get pregnant again, I will be anxious and afraid again. I'll over-worry and over-analyze. The immediate euphoria will be replaced with cautious optimism. Maybe that feeling will fade as the pregnancy advances. Who knows?
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2 comments:
Oh my... it's impossible not to have lost something after being disappointed like that. It may feel kind of eerie to be teaching Flannery O'Connor as you sort through these feelings. I haven't read all her work, but I was a T.A. for a class in which one of the books was A Good Man is Hard to Find and I was very disturbed by the stories, particulary "The River" (if I recollect the title correctly).
I hope you don't feel too anxious after you get pregnant again. Maybe it'll be like you said - after a while you won't be that worried.
I'm glad I'm not the only one who hated that book.
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