waiting, waiting...

I did send my revised proposal off to my advisor last week, but I have heard nothing yet. He had papers to grade but assures me that I am approaching the top of his list. I have deadlines for funding applications in a week and a half, and I have to get my proposal filed by then.

On one hand, I am concerned because I expect that I will have to do more revisions. I did not add the chapter he suggested that I add, and even though I intended to work on that part while he reviewed the rest, it is hard for me to do it until I get word back from him that, indeed, I have to do it. So I will probably have to do more revisions (quickly!) and then circulate it to the rest of the committee and then file it by next Friday. Doesn't seem likely to happen.

On the other hand, I don't think I'll get the funding I am applying for because I know who else is applying. Maybe that's an inferiority complex. And maybe that's just realistic. But either way, I don't really even want to apply because I feel like I'm wasting my time. There is another deadline in April, and I actually do feel okay about that one. I just don't want to rush through next week trying to pull it all together and turn in less-than-impressive materials.

Maybe if I'd heard from my advisor by now I'd feel differently. But I doubt it. And I'm not upset with him because it's my fault that I took so long to produce the revisions.

And I'm having another case of "not smart enough"--not fishing for compliments or reassurance here, just expressing that feeling. It creeps in from time to time, and based on my Google referrals, I am not alone. Of all the other phrases that bring people here, the words "not smart enough" show up most often on the referrer list.

Blah.

ABD is not really so fun

Studying for prelims was way better.

I actually don't feel so run down and frustrated right now. I'm not crying today. I'm not exhausted. I'm drinking a large cup of coffee in celebration of a story on the Today show that announced that drinking even large amounts of coffee daily is safe for pregnant women. (Not that I gave up coffee, but I was still glad to see the official annoucement. But Supadiscomama reminds me that I better wean myself off before AB comes along because caffeine and breastfeeding makes for jittery baby.)

What concerns me is that the fantasy to just quit where I am lingers, even in my calm, rational state. The idea of rewriting my dissertation proposal right now (which I am supposed to be doing right now--or more accurately, three months ago) is almost more than I can fathom. I don't feel panicky. I just don't see how it's going to happen. Because I can't conceive of the project in any concrete way. The proposal feels superficial and insubstantial and just boring. I can't even feel angst over the diss right now because I can't envision a successful proposal. If my project were to write an article over any of the primary texts, I would feel supremely confident. And I would actually do it. I actually think that I could jump into a chapter and move along pretty well. But the proposal is a strange genre that carries no meaning for me and will be seen by maybe four people yet is the bane of my existence at the moment. I can't progress until it's done, and I just can't see it getting done.

I totally understand why people get to ABD and quit. And it scares me how appealing that idea is.

P.S. I won't be quitting. My husband has sacrificed too much for my degree. He is actually my motivation right now.

Private P.S. to Supadiscomama: He's being nice again, so I like him now :)

A step in the right direction?

I just had an email exchange with my advisor, in which I had an easy opportunity to take an out from meeting with him until February. But I said I want to meet Friday. I am not ready for a meeting, but this will force me to put together some coherent ideas and articulate a real direction, even if there's nothing in writing. Otherwise I would allow myself to put it off and delay progress yet again. I have a knack for doing real work that is not the work I need to do. So I can justify, for example, throwing myself into teaching this week and spending more hours than are actually necessary while letting the dissertation fall by the wayside again. But I'm not letting myself justify it. I have committed to a meeting in three days and will have something to say at that meeting (even as I am still stuck at home with no child care because of the "ice storm" that I have yet to see). Or I will sit there and say, "uhhh....."

Edited to add: The ice finally got to me...brrrr.....

and now for some whining about pregnancy

Obviously, it is often difficult to be a graduate student with a child. Especially in my situation because my husband has one of those jobs that he couldn't do without someone at home providing the "family work"--cleaning (but I am, admittedly, a bad housekeeper), cooking, child care, paying bills, balancing the checkbook, etc.

But, you know, it's also pretty hard to be a pregnant graduate student, too. This goes for any career, I'm sure, but people don't really talk about how hard it is to work while you're pregnant (and it varies tremendously from one woman to another). I experienced this with my first pregnancy, too--during the first three months I could hardly do anything because I was so sick and tired, which meant that I was much less productive and my worked piled up so I had a lot to catch up on when I felt better.

This one is harder because the sick and tired is persistently lingering on. I am almost 20 weeks pregnant and I am still throwing up. I thought maybe it was over this week but I started this morning heaving into the toilet. And now I have to work. And I have let things pile up so I have to work well and work efficiently. Ick. I keep waiting for the easy phase to start. I remember an easy phase before, but it is nowhere in sight right now.

Masters before doctorate?

This week a Googler posed the question, "Should I work on a master's if I'm going to get a doctorate degree?" I know that most of my readers are past the point at which the answer might be helpful, but I'll offer my opinion for the benefit of future Googlers.

There are a few disadvantages to getting the master's first--mostly it just takes longer, and master's students do not typically get the same level of support that doctoral students get. Based on conversations with friends who have gotten a master's and remained at the same institution for the doctorate, some feelings of burn-out are likely--it is a long time to be in one place, and you have to jump through the hoops for one degree, just to start over on a new one.

Having said that, I think that in many cases it is a good idea to get the master's degree first. In the final year of my undergraduate program, I started the process of applying into doctoral programs and did not complete my applications. I took the GRE general and subject tests, got recommendations, polished writing samples, etc., but the process of applying made me realize that I was not ready for that step. A doctoral program is a huge, long-term commitment to an institution and to yourself, and I was not prepared to take that step yet. I decided to apply to the master's program at my undergrad university--I knew I could do it in two years and, of course, it did not carry the anxiety of relocating (my personal life was also in upheaval, which contributed to that decision).

After a year of graduate work, I started my doctoral applications again. Better writing sample. Better personal statement. Better test scores. And I actually had an idea about how to choose a school. Because I got my Master's degree first, my doctoral applications were better, my scholarship was more mature, and I was better prepared to commit to a doctoral program for the long haul. I still had a lot of anxiety starting at a new school and I certainly dealt with imposter syndrome (alas, it lingers on), but I benefited tremendously from taking that middle step. And I got a degree out of it.

this is my career. this is my work. really.

This is not what I meant to write about this week, but something came up. My feelings are hurt.

I talked on the phone with my father-in-law last night, who is really a nice, well-meaning man, but somehow he hurts my feelings every time I talk on the phone with him. Last night he asked me if I had a regular job yet since all I am doing is writing a dissertation. He thinks I should work an 8-5, I guess (which I do, really, but, you know, it's different somehow). This is the same man who told me before my daughter was born that he thought mothers should not work outside the home until their children are in school, which I took as a direct criticism of my mothering (because it was). When I was in my master's program he also told me that I should get another job in addition to school. This summer when I told him about the class I was teaching, he said, "I'm glad you're finally at the stage that you can teach." I've been teaching for five years. I told him last night that I am teaching now, and he seemed surprised again. Then he asked if it was all day long, 8-3. I guess he was thinking grade school. I told him that, no, I teach one class and work on my research and writing the rest of the time. He said he couldn't imagine why someone would take two or three years to write a book (that's how I have explained the dissertation to them). I told him that most people take that long and that I don't do only that. I also have my teaching, and I am trying to publish some articles before I graduate. (And raise one, and soon two kids, for crying out loud) Oh, he said, so you might be making some money before you graduate, then. I explained to him that you don't really make money in academic publishing, that it is a requirement of your job. Well, that doesn't make much sense, he said. His wife, my mother-in-law, is a teacher's aid and she makes the same amount of money that I make (which is pitiful and unfair to her and others who have that job but beside the point right now). If the legitimacy of my work is measured in income, which it seems to be to him, then why is my work less legitimate than hers? Or maybe it is not legitimate because it is school, not "real" work. They still have the idea that my career has not yet begun, not that I am currently working within my career. This is my career. And my job. And I do get paid. A little. Or maybe I'm just too old to be in school. I should be done by now.

Whatever it is, I feel like my work is completely devalued. When I went to the conference last weekend, it happened to be in the city where my brother-in-law lives, so we all planned a get-together after I presented my paper. Several of my in-laws came, and we had a nice weekend. No one asked me about my conference. Not one time. The only question they ever ask me is when I will be done. I usually let things like this roll off my back, but last night when he told me I should get a job, it hurt me badly.

I feel wretched

Okay, so I did ask for some morning sickness early on to ease my fears. I got plenty. And now I should be done. And I'm still vomiting. Not fun.

I have a pile of work to do right now, and it is so hard to get work done when I feel so so bad. This is the hard part about being pregnant in graduate school--that first few months when you're so sick and so sleepy and people want you to read books and write papers and teach people things.

I have slacked off a bit in the beginning of the semester, just getting by, really, which means that I now have to be seriously on top of things for the next two months. I have a conference at the end of the month--long paper must be converted to short paper--and I have an essay due December 1 for a collection--and I keep having fears that my paper is going to be booted out in the end. I don't know why I think that--maybe because I haven't written a paper yet! And I am writing a paper for my politics of motherhood class, which should contribute significantly to my dissertation, so I'm just going to count that paper as working on my dissertation, thank you very much. And I'm applying for a fellowship, so that's a lot of work, too. My plate is full.

Update on the meeting

The meeting with my advisor went well. I am so lucky to have such a supportive mentor. He always reminds me to have reasonable expectations of myself, and he encouraged me to take it easy while dealing with the early pregnancy symptoms (how does he know??? it is impossible to be discreet in my department). We talked about the other work that I have been doing, acknowledging that I have, indeed, been working...just not so much on the diss. And he said I'm not allowed to send out proposals for anything anymore. Good advice. I should probably just ignore all CFPs.

As for the diss, I have a long way to go to even get a good start. I have direction. I know what I need to do, but this project is still in a very early stage. I am still not even sure what it is really about yet. I am going to rework the proposal--I think that it is necessary for me to have a really good one before I proceed, but I am working on some separate projects right now that will contribute directly to chapters later. I forsee the proposal being a work in progress for a long time, maybe stretching into the spring, but when I am done and feel good about it I will have set up the chapters to fall into place nicely. I know that this is not the way that everyone works, but I think that it is the best way for me. I am not feeling so discouraged today. And I may have a blog treat for you later.

I will look like a slacker

Nothing gets a blog post going like posting that I will not be posting. That consistently revives my blog.

Next week I have to meet with my director. I have to. I have not met with him since June 20--my prelim exams. I have nothing to offer at this meeting. Seriously nothing. I don't know what is going to happen. I think that I will for the first time look like a slacker to him. I am decidedly not a slacker, and he has complimented my efficiency in the past. But this time I have slacked. I have accomplished many other important non-dissertation-related academic things in the past two months, but I have not done anything on the diss. Except read, but that doesn't count. Really it doesn't count. A mentor once said to me that research is endlessly seductive. So true. Reading is easy and fun and obviously necessary to the process, but if we're being truly honest, we are not actually accomplishing anything--not "producing knowledge" to borrow a phrase I heard from a professor last week--unless we are writing. That is at least true for me--I do not begin to truly synthesize ideas until I write.

I am not being lazy. I am being scared. A paralyzing anxiety keeps me from this project.

for a conversation on professional boundaries

I direct you to B*'s post here. I weighed in myself, and I am of the opinion that the situation is not that big a deal and a big deal shouldn't be made of it. But it does present the opportunity for discussing issues that are important and would be interesting to many of my readers who are not regular readers of B*.

getting ready for work

I don't know if I'm ready to work from home. I have done nothing on my diss since my exams in June, and today I announced to my husband that I was going to actually work on it today. So far I have vacuumed and Febrezed the carpets and couches and done some other cleaning and straightening. I excuse it by saying that because we moved and things are not all in place yet. The fact is that home carries with it a lot of distractions (but the office does, too), and I don't know how things are going to go this fall. It is going to take major adjustments in my work habits. Last year was a bit shocking because I was out of coursework for the first time since, well, five years old, and I also was not teaching, which I had done for four years prior. Teaching was fantastic this summer, but the fall is a whole different animal: online class. And working on the dissertation, something I have also never done before. I feels like a huge unconquerable monster looming over me. And that is not conducive to self-motivated work. I am taking a class two days a week, and I now think that it will actually help keep me on track with two guaranteed days a week on campus and some required work that will force me to schedule time for the diss.

I have also considered going to the public library to work, which I am still doubtful about because when I took Rebekah, the lady who was painting the Sesame Street characters on the wall in the children's section glared at me when Rebekah was rocking in the rocking chair that is in the children's section and I guess being too noisy asking for me to read books to her. Maybe I don't understand children's library ettiquette, but I assumed that the short tables and chairs and picture books and the section itself separated from those of interest to adult library patrons indicated an invitation for reading aloud and, horrors, rocking in the rocking chair. When doing my own work, I would not take her, but I am holding a grudge. Sad, because she has asked to go back, except for some reason she thinks that the library is Walmart. She asks to go to Walmart to look at books.

I am going to start following the guidelines from Bolker's Write Your Dissertation in Fifteen Minutes a Day today--I have been finding reasons to put it off for a long time, but I can't afford to say I'll do it tomorrow. My mom is coming next week, but I have to stick to the plan, whether that becomes working all except those couple of days or actually working on those days, too. Either way, I'm starting now. After lunch.

my nomadic life

Here's something that is distracting me from my work: I don't know where I'm going to live in three months. Ever since I started college I have had to think of my dwelling places as temporary. I even lived in the same dorm room for three years (with a wonderful roommate who I miss and who reads this blog and who also doesn't know where she is going to live in the near future, so here's a ton of sympathy and love going out!) but every summer we had to move out. All of our stuff. And then I moved into a new dorm with a new roommate and hated it. So then I moved off campus. And then I went to grad school. And got married. And went to grad school some more. I'm getting to the end of my third year here and I've lived in three places. And now I have to move. And I don't even know what town I'm moving to. It sucks.

Of course, some people manage to be in school and occupy the same domicile for an extended period of time, but I think that's the minority. When we rented the house we are in now, we went in knowing it was only for a year--didn't even try to pretend otherwise. We will look for a new place with the hope of staying there for a while, but my husband's job may change--actually, we hope it will change because he is bored and unhappy--and that may necessitate yet another move.

It seems like this moving every year will have to stop eventually, if for nothing else but our own psychological well-being. I am ready to settle, but at this point I can't feel totally settled anywhere because I know that school will end at some point--terminal degree, and all--and there will be another move. I am really prepared to feel supremely satisfied with my first job out of the gate and to just stay there until I die. But how often does that happen, really?