Friday, September 29, 2006

a post with a much less important point

I have a new pet peeve. Where did the word "yay" come from? I thought it was spelled "yea," but I appear to be the only one spelling it that way anymore. Now everyone spells "yay." Maybe to prevent confusing it with the word "yeah"? I suppose I should go with the flow and start using "yay." But I just want to go on record as making this move reluctantly.

the g-word

A few months ago, I started to realize that my daughter is verbally advanced far beyond many children her age. She has a large vocabulary, constructs complex sentence structures, and articulates emotions. I was a bit startled when all of this came together right before her second birthday, partly because I had not really been comparing her to other children her age until then. And I was frustrated because talking about it with other people was difficult.

Of course, I am pleased to see her doing so well, but I was also worried because I wasn't sure what my responsibility should be at that point. How do I respond to this? Does this mean she is gifted? If so, how do I nurture that? When I posted on the blog about it, I used the word gifted. Little did I know how loaded that word is!

I began a web search and started browsing some books on advanced toddlers, and what I found made me very uncomfortable. So much of the information I got began with talk of testing children to see if they are really gifted or just very bright. I am sure that there is a purpose to this distinction and a purpose to academic testing of toddlers, but I can't see what it is. Even the suggestion of it shocked me. I found tons of teaching materials for very young children and information about schools with special curricula, but it all smacked of pressure and pushing and competition, which I think has no place in the life of a two-year-old.

I have worked with RB at home on some academic skills--learning ABCs, numbers, shapes, colors, etc. But in her first two years, I did not rely on books or websites to tell me what to teach her. I watched her. Early on I tried to talk to her about colors, and she clearly had no interest, so I assumed she was too young and dropped it. Later I brought it up again and she was enthusiastic about it, so I thought she must be ready. That's how everything went. If she paid attention to it and enjoyed it, we did it. If not, I just took for granted that it was too soon and left it alone. And it has all been in the context of fun and games and play. RB goes to preschool with a curriculum and lesson plans and all that, but the way it actually happens is more like play time with a theme. One week, it's family members. One week it's food. One week it's the color red. This kind of play-learning, I believe (and I am not an expert on child development, of course), is the only kind appropriate for young children, and it also allows children of many developmental stages to be in the same class, doing activities together, learning at the individual pace of each child.

So the big question I had over the summer was do I teach her to read? I have decided that, no, I will not impose a strutured approach to teaching reading before she goes to kindergarten (but I am not criticizing those who do--this is a very personal choice). She is interested in reading and she loves books, and I am just going to keep reading to her, reading my own books in front of her, singing songs and playing games, and she will show me what she wants to learn. A good friend of mine has a son who is four and reads quite well without a formal curriculum of phonics exercises. He just picked it up by playing games and reading with his mom. Maybe RB will do that. Maybe she will learn to read in kindergarten. And that's totally okay! I learned to read in kindergarten, and I was six years old when I started. And I'm getting a Ph.D. in literature. Clearly, my reading life has gone well.

I think that too many people look at childhood as a race to be the first and the best, and that puts stress and pressure on parents and children alike. It also creates barriers to parents sharing the joyful (and painful) experiences of raising children because of the anxiety of competition among them. I have decided not to worry about that anymore. I will tell my cute kid stories, I will even brag sometimes, and I will happily listen to other parents brag about all of their cute kid stories. And I will not use the word "gifted" anymore. It leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

the craziest mixed metaphor I have ever read

I'm reading Elizabeth M. Armstrong's Concieving Risk, Bearing Responsibility, and I just read the craziest mixed metaphor ever. Armstrong quotes extensively from interviews with physicians, and one describes the way that pregnancy "used to be" thought of, in contrast to a focus on risk avoidance now:

"I think pregnancy used to be considered, you know, like a parasitic growth. I don't mean that people really thought of it that way, but their perception was, 'This is something on autopilot. And I am just holding onto it and then I am going to return it to the library.'"

So is the fetus a parasite or an airplane or a library book? Spectacular.

Update on how I feel about pregnancy

Before I was pregnant--or maybe when I was already pregnant and didn't know it--hard to tell--I posted that I had lost the sense of confidence that I wanted to feel with a second pregnancy. Yesterday, chatting with a woman who is pregnant for the first time, I found myself describing precisely that feeling--I am not afraid in the same way that I was during my first pregnancy. I am not gaining all knowledge from books (really dreadful, frightening books!) but rather relying on my experience and faith. I am not obsessive. I am happier and less tense than I was during my first pregnancy.

A few months ago I predicted that this feeling would not come because my miscarriage had scared me back to the obsessive first-pregnancy craziness. I was also disturbed by my own attitude toward this pregnancy--considering it a pregnancy, a medical condition, not a baby. I didn't like feeling that way. I didn't like my almost indifferent reaction to the positive pregnancy test. That feeling, I think, was a result of being pregnant again so quickly after a miscarriage. And it has passed.

I am now really quite happy about my baby and I look frequently at my ultrasound pictures, which are posted on the fridge and not hidden in a drawer. And I am not obsessive or afraid. Everything is pretty good. But I don't think that means that I have "gotten over" the miscarriage--that I am no longer affected by it.

In the post linked above, I stated that I will always be aware that I have had more pregnancies than children. This is not my second pregnancy, but my third. But I think that the understanding I gained through the experience of loss has freed me to relax and take things as they come right now. It is all about that sense of control that I felt so strongly and lost so suddenly when I lost the baby. There was nothing I did and nothing I could do to change it. So I don't have the sense now that I can control what is happening in my body or to my baby. I can make healthy and responsible choices, of course, but I do not have to drive myself crazy over every minute detail of my life. Because it really doesn't matter. It's not in my hands. And, finally, I'm okay with that.

(Well, look at me being all stable and healthy--so uncharacteristic.)

Monday, September 25, 2006

online class getting better

Haven't blogged in a week--and I do have so much to say! But I had a sick little girl and then houseguests and today didn't go as planned, either, so blog is on the back burner.

But I have time for a quick update on my online technical writing class. I feel like I put so much time and energy into the first few weeks and got a ton of frustration in return, but now I am seeing the pay-off of the extra time spent in the beginning. My students seem to be on track at a rate actually better than my traditional classroom--first major assignment, all but one had it in on time. They are generally on top of things and talking to each other and talking to me, and I'm starting to feel pretty good about it all. I think all of us just needed soem time to ease into this new experience.

I think that my spring class is going to be a hybrid traditional classroom and online. Ideally, a computer lab classroom and online, meeting in person maybe once a week, at least in the beginning of the semester. I like the sound of that, and now someone is working with me to design the syllabus, and we'll run similar classes. This semester I have been working in a small group of first-time instructors, and that has been a great support network. I like the idea of having another person trying out this new class with me in the spring, too. The course, BTW, is Advanced Composition with the theme "Identity and Community." More to come on that.

Monday, September 18, 2006

blogs or message boards?

If the goal is to get students writing thoughtful responses to course materials and questions and for them to regularly read and comment on other students' posts so that they are engaging each other, is the best tool blogs or message boards?

Blogs might encourage longer posts--not that longer=better but a message board might seem like a place for a quick thought rather than a more developed response. But blogs stand separately, so the discussion might stay on one student's blog and not cross over as much as it would on a message board, where the various threads are all in one place for students to see all at once and click through easily.

It also seems overwhelming to require all students in a class to read all of their classmates' blogs, probably reducing the number of comments each blog would get. This semester, my students are only required to read the blogs of their group members, and the blogs are tied directly to a collaborative project. A message board might facilitate easier exchange among a larger number of class members.

Several years ago as a student I was in a large section of a course (maybe 75 students) with a message board, and it was fairly easy to keep up with the discussion, even with that many course members. But I'm sure that many students sort of fell by the wayside. It also meant that fewer people actually initiated discussions, but more people responded to the posts of other students. Depending on the goal of the exercise, it might be okay if only a handful of students are the initiators as long as the rest are thoughtfully discussing the ideas.

I am considering this question broadly for use with various kinds of classes but also with an online section of Advanced Composition in mind.

Hmmm.

Hobbies

So this is not the super important post that I promised last week--I may not get to it because RB is ill and houseguests are coming later in the week. But I was reading Trillwing's post about her plans for the year and it made me want to write about hobbies (notice that her year is 2006-07--I find it impossible to concieve of a year any other way but the academic calendar--January through December means nothing to me--aren't we all like that?).

I wrote in response to Trillwing that I consider hobbies to be like a mental power nap. I am a worrier and I am prone to extreme anxiety, the kind that makes me physically ill, and relaxation exercises are of no use to me. I have tried yoga and meditation, but it is very difficult for me. But when I am working on a hobby, it requires just enough concentration that I can't think about my other responsibilities for that time period, and when I am done I can return to my work refreshed. I don't have tons of free time, but I have found that I work more efficiently and with more focus after I have spent some time working on a creative project unrelated to my academic work. In the end, I think I recoup that time simply by working better.

I think many people see hobbies as a luxury--something to do when you're bored. For me, it's therapuetic and almost necessary to my well-being. I advise more very busy people to try it. I sew, crochet, and embroider, and for my birthday, my mom gave me a great kit for handmade greeting cards. I also play the mandolin, but I have fallen out of practice on this one. I tend to let go of a hobby when I have learned how to do it. I think that my hobbies are all about engaging in a learning process, and that is very satisfying to me. But I can return to the mandolin now because I have forgotten how to play and the learning process will start all over!

P.S. My regular readers might notice that I tend to use the words "very" and "really" a lot (I also use "a lot" a lot). RB has recently picked up this speech habit from me--"Mommy, I'm really really really hungry." "Thank you very very very much." "RB is really really really sleepy." It's really very funny. :)

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Thursday, September 14, 2006

online class ambivalence and coming attractions

I am putting out fires with my students today because they are doing something that is particularly confusing, technology-wise, and at the end of the day I am going to go in and repair the inevitable errors so that the technology thing will work properly. But, you know, they're not asking a bunch of questions about the wierd confusing thing they have to do today. They're asking questions about other things that are clearly answered in big announcements on the course homepage that they are apparently just not reading. Not everyone, of course. Most students are doing their assignments properly and asking reasonable questions. But the nature of the online class makes it more time-consuming to handle the problems that arise from students' neglecting to read instructions carefully because I have to talk to each student individually and answer these questions. I would think that the announcements portion of the course website would be the equivalent of standing in front of class and saying words to them, but that is only so if they actually read the words in big colorful text right in the center of the screen. I don't like feeling this kind of adversarial relationship with my students. I don't usually feel this way. But the online class can reduce the interaction I have with the students who are enthusiastic and pleasant and fun while increasing the interactions with students who are less committed and more likely to be rude and accusatory. I have begun to seek out students who are doing a good job and initiating personal communication with them. And the exchange is always satisfying. I think that I will make an effort over the next week to send some kind of personal message to any student with whom I have not yet communicated. That is reasonable with my class size. And by now I have communicated individually with most of them. I love to teach and I want to love to teach this class. I am learning how to make this thing into something I can love.

In other news, I'm at one of those points where I have a ton of potential blog posts cooking and have to decide which ones to get to first. I have a lot to say about academic pressure on kids that is relevant to my child now, my child's future education, and even my current students and my relationship with them. That's going to take several posts, but ideas are synthesizing in useful ways, I think. I also have had a personal epiphany that relates to the stalled progress of my dissertation and might contribute to its revival.

Monday, September 11, 2006

Fun with Audioblogger

this is an audio post - click to play

student as employer

One of my fellow online instructors recieved a rude email from one of her students who was generally displeased with the class. In her reply, as a technical writing teaching tool, she reminded him of the importance of tone in professional communication, asking as an example, if he would ever write such a message to his boss. He replied that, no, he would never use that tone with his boss but that the instructor was paid to instruct him. Wow.

The notion of the student as consumer is not new to me--I've heard tons of conversations along the lines of, "If I'm paying to be here, why should my attendance be required?" But this is the first time that I have heard of a student so brashly informing a teacher that she is his employee. There is so much wrong with this concept of the student-teacher relationship that I really don't know how I would handle the situation.

Education is no doubt a financial investment, and there can be advantages, I think, to seeing it that way--one might be motivated to do well in order to get the most for one's money. People tend to value what they pay for. But the notion of student as employer of the instructor cannot be good.

I have written and deleted three different paragraphs in this spot. There is much to say but so far nothing I have said has satisfied me. For now, I suppose I am just sending out this problem and my distress over it into the blogosphere.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Update on the meeting

The meeting with my advisor went well. I am so lucky to have such a supportive mentor. He always reminds me to have reasonable expectations of myself, and he encouraged me to take it easy while dealing with the early pregnancy symptoms (how does he know??? it is impossible to be discreet in my department). We talked about the other work that I have been doing, acknowledging that I have, indeed, been working...just not so much on the diss. And he said I'm not allowed to send out proposals for anything anymore. Good advice. I should probably just ignore all CFPs.

As for the diss, I have a long way to go to even get a good start. I have direction. I know what I need to do, but this project is still in a very early stage. I am still not even sure what it is really about yet. I am going to rework the proposal--I think that it is necessary for me to have a really good one before I proceed, but I am working on some separate projects right now that will contribute directly to chapters later. I forsee the proposal being a work in progress for a long time, maybe stretching into the spring, but when I am done and feel good about it I will have set up the chapters to fall into place nicely. I know that this is not the way that everyone works, but I think that it is the best way for me. I am not feeling so discouraged today. And I may have a blog treat for you later.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

and the trials of the online class begin

I really do not like to complain about my students, and I am frequently annoyed by others who do. I believe that many problems teachers have with students can be addressed by considering the teacher's approach to the situation and the way the teacher/student relationship has been established (I am speaking very broadly, I know). But I am not immune to being frustrated with my students, and a specific problem I frequently have is exacerbated by the nature of an online course.

People just don't read instructions. They glance over them, perhaps, but rarely do people set out to read and follow instructions carefully until they have made mistakes that require them to go back and look again. In a traditional classroom, students have opportunities to ask questions and express confusion in person, and a lot of problems are handled in that way before the assignments are due (while wasting valuable class time going over what they would have already known had they simply read the instructions!). The online class depends ENTIRELY on the student's ability to read and follow instructions. These instructions are delivered in a number of ways, with written documents and podcasts and samples and all kinds of things. But, alas, many students have failed to submit work this week because they just didn't know that it was due.

I must add here that I have spent A LOT of time online. I have frequently posted prominent announcements of impending due dates and reminded them which documents they need to have read and reviewed. I have sent messages to individual students when I see that they have fallen behind (already!!!). But I just spent a good ten minutes answering questions from one student, all of which are answered quite clearly on the documents that the announcements tell her in bold letters to read. And several students have told me that they just didn't realize that materials were due this week, when a really nice, very clear chart gives them dates and step-by-step instructions for completing assignments.

In a traditional classroom, I repeat my office hours and email address at every single class meeting and remind students that I am available to them. I was concerned from the beginning of the online class that my students would feel alone, and I have worked to make my presense seen and felt online. But I have students who have not asked questions until things go wrong--or until I contact them to let them know that things are going wrong--and they constantly apologize for bothering me. I am terribly frustrated right now.

I have some ideas about why this happens, but I will leave them for another day. Now I must turn away from this class that has taken up most of my day and prepare for something else. Tomorrow I have lunch with my advisor.

Sunday, September 03, 2006

I will look like a slacker

Nothing gets a blog post going like posting that I will not be posting. That consistently revives my blog.

Next week I have to meet with my director. I have to. I have not met with him since June 20--my prelim exams. I have nothing to offer at this meeting. Seriously nothing. I don't know what is going to happen. I think that I will for the first time look like a slacker to him. I am decidedly not a slacker, and he has complimented my efficiency in the past. But this time I have slacked. I have accomplished many other important non-dissertation-related academic things in the past two months, but I have not done anything on the diss. Except read, but that doesn't count. Really it doesn't count. A mentor once said to me that research is endlessly seductive. So true. Reading is easy and fun and obviously necessary to the process, but if we're being truly honest, we are not actually accomplishing anything--not "producing knowledge" to borrow a phrase I heard from a professor last week--unless we are writing. That is at least true for me--I do not begin to truly synthesize ideas until I write.

I am not being lazy. I am being scared. A paralyzing anxiety keeps me from this project.

hanging in

Things are rough in the Mommy, Ph.D. household. My husband's crazy job has him working 70 hours a week lately, and it looks like that's going to keep up for a couple more weeks. And I'm sick and tired. Pregnancy sick and tired, but sick and tired just the same (this one is definitely sticking around and letting me know it). And school's in. And there's the whole dissertation thing (yeah, right, like that is happening). And RB insists on being two years old. So blogging will continue to be light for a while. I promise I'm still here.

P.S. I think it's a girl. But I don't put much stock in that particular intuition. I just knew that RB was going to be a boy. She is not.

Friday, September 01, 2006

Teaching carnival

Everyone go read the Teaching Carnival!