Studying for prelims was way better.
I actually don't feel so run down and frustrated right now. I'm not crying today. I'm not exhausted. I'm drinking a large cup of coffee in celebration of a story on the Today show that announced that drinking even large amounts of coffee daily is safe for pregnant women. (Not that I gave up coffee, but I was still glad to see the official annoucement. But Supadiscomama reminds me that I better wean myself off before AB comes along because caffeine and breastfeeding makes for jittery baby.)
What concerns me is that the fantasy to just quit where I am lingers, even in my calm, rational state. The idea of rewriting my dissertation proposal right now (which I am supposed to be doing right now--or more accurately, three months ago) is almost more than I can fathom. I don't feel panicky. I just don't see how it's going to happen. Because I can't conceive of the project in any concrete way. The proposal feels superficial and insubstantial and just boring. I can't even feel angst over the diss right now because I can't envision a successful proposal. If my project were to write an article over any of the primary texts, I would feel supremely confident. And I would actually do it. I actually think that I could jump into a chapter and move along pretty well. But the proposal is a strange genre that carries no meaning for me and will be seen by maybe four people yet is the bane of my existence at the moment. I can't progress until it's done, and I just can't see it getting done.
I totally understand why people get to ABD and quit. And it scares me how appealing that idea is.
P.S. I won't be quitting. My husband has sacrificed too much for my degree. He is actually my motivation right now.
Private P.S. to Supadiscomama: He's being nice again, so I like him now :)
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3 comments:
Girlfriend, I hear ya! I had serious thoughts of quitting, almost exactly a year ago. It had been a year and a half since I had thought about my dissertation and I was so in love with full-time, stay-at-home mothering that I thought, what's the point of finishing now? I felt little motivation to tackle the huge task (aka, the dissertation) in front of me. Actually my only motivation was my knowing it was now or never, and did I want to live with 'what if' for the rest of my life? In my situation, at least for the short term, finishing required a lot more sacrifices than quitting would have. Making the deliberate decision, and commitment, to finish was a pivotal moment for me. The past seven months have been terrible in many ways, and still I am far from done. That said, I am glad I made the decision to finish and am far enough down this path that quitting doesn't even register as an option anymore. That, in a twisted way, is comforting. While I truly believe that finishing is not the right choice for everybody, I couldn't bring myself to quit (most especially since my husband was standing behind all the sacrifices we would have to make for me to finish). I don't know if it's the same for you, but I always feel better knowing my struggles--while deeply personal and tremendously weighty--are quite typical. What you're going through is so common it's practically a degree requirement. As a TA from my undergraduate days once told me, "All it really takes to get a Ph.D. is the resolve to not quit." So true, though I had no idea at the time how difficult it would be to support and maintain that resolve. Remember you have people to lean on, even in the blogosphere, if you need support!
I actually think that I could jump into a chapter and move along pretty well.
I have had my share of cop-out moments. However, they were before prelims or after the proposal was submitted, so I must've had a good couple-of-month stretch!! ;) I think that your quote above is telling. So have you written your description of what each chapter will be? Maybe you should do that first. Then you will be able to see where the common threads lie, which may help you write the rest. remember, too, that the proposal is going to be more vague. I am in the process of revising my proposal into my introduction, and it's interesting to note how things have changed since I originally conceptualized the whole mess. ;P
Agreeing with jennie in a way, I referred to the whole reading-list/prelim process as "hoop-jumping," which it was. The proposal is another hoop, but the dissertation has to really be what you want to work on--or at least, what you can live with for another year or two (or whatever).
I came to the realization the other day that my 3-5 year burn out may be coming to an end. Yay! If I can come out of that, you'll do fine! ;) If you want to chat about the whole process sometime, you know I'm free most days!!
Some people do feel the same way as you with All But Dissertation. Some even quit in the beginning of dissertation writing as they cannot have time for other works. I think it would be a good idea to start a time management while on ADB. That way, feel ABD is boring as you would do it on a limited time frame once a day. It can be good if you do have other things to do aside from it, which can be a little off to the traditional ABD that people work only on their dissertation all the time.
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