grading not going so well

I'm moving through the papers just fine, but I am not pleased with what I am seeing. Students are missing the point of the assignment. And maybe being tired from caring for the baby has made me less patient or tolerant of errors that I see as results of carelessness, lack of effort, or unwillingness to ask questions. Despite childbirth, I have been constantly available to my students online and I have posted messages to remind them of that.

The biggest problem is that many of them have totally missed the point of the assignment and have submitted papers that are entirely descriptive and not analytical at all. No thesis to be found. This is their THIRD paper, so analysis and argument are not new concepts in the class. And we went over and over and over this assignment in our on-campus meetings and online. I was worried initially that I had not made the assignment clear, but some students have done exactly what was asked of them. Not just the brightest ones, either. When a lot of students get it wrong, I feel insecure about the way I have taught them--that is it my fault, not theirs. But I feel at this point like it is simply a result of not following directions. So as I've been marking their papers, I have cut and pasted excerpts from the paper prompt to show them, "Here's what you were supposed to do, and you didn't do it." That's the best I can do with it.

So what to do next semester to make it better? I am teaching the same class in the summer and again in the fall, and instead of revamping the class, I am going to try to improve on this model (I'm sort of attached to it, and I want it to be great, and I also have a lot of things to do besides searching for new textbooks and developing new a syllabus). In the fall, I am doing the hybrid on-campus/online class, but in the summer I am totally online. And that was not so fun when I taught Tech Writing, largely because of the whole following directions thing.

So here's an idea that I'm toying with: quizzes over paper prompts.
This idea feels a little juvenile to me and even potentially insulting to the students. When I was an undergraduate, I would have been pissed if the instructor had quizzed me on my ability to read instructions. But it would make (most of) them read the prompts that I have spent so much time developing. And maybe they would write the papers that I have assigned.

Another option that I will most likely use is required online discussions of the papers in progress. We had those this semester and they really paid off for some students. That method puts a lot more responsibility on the students to identify their problems and bring up the right questions and topics for discussion. It's not as efficient as a quiz. It only works for the ones who are willing to put the effort into participating--REALLY participating and not just going through the motions to get credit. Part of me says that those are the students I should prioritize, anyway. But another part of me really wants to figure out how to motivate the ones who don't care so much and don't want to put in so much effort. It's easy to nurture the great students. I also want to reach the students who don't want to be reached. The perpetual frustration of a teacher.

back to work

The real work starts up again today. I've done some quick checking in with school work and my students over the past two weeks, but today the real work starts--I have a shiny new batch of papers to grade. Fortunately, my class is very small this semester--only fourteen students (not counting the disappearing student who is still on the roll but has not materialized in months--there's one in every class). I meet my students one last time on Monday. They are supposed to do evaluations. I wonder how many will actually show.

I'm recovering well (though I still use the progressive verb--there is recovering yet to do). Today I'm wearing some non-maternity jeans, which makes me feel better. Of course, I only have one pair of non-maternity jeans that fit right now, but I don't mind wearing them every day. It is no fun wearing maternity clothes when you're not pregnant. And breastfeeding is now going well--no more blisters, no more scabs. Which is good because as of this weekend, there is no more Vicadin!

Many things are on the horizon. Life changing things (as if my life were not changing enough already). There will likely be lots of blogging-things-out.

Birth story

Fair warning: this post is just what the title claims.

As I informed the blog many times, I was miserable pretty much throughout the whole pregnancy and especially in the last few weeks. Like I did with my first pregnancy, I had frequent Braxton Hicks contractions early on and other less pleasant labor symptoms for weeks before Annabelle was born. On the Friday before she was born, I felt like I might be going into labor and I went to the doctor. I was dilated to three and fifty percent effaced, but no baby coming. The pressure was pretty bad--I felt like she might just fall out any time. So I went home and continued to feel worse, and by Saturday morning I was having contractions 5-6 minutes apart. All day long. Saturday night I was up all night because in addition to the contractions I had a really bad ligament pain in my side that I could not talk through. But for me the worst thing is to go to the doctor and be sent back home, so I was not anxious to go anywhere until I knew I was having a baby. Sunday morning after egg hunting and candy and no way was I getting dressed to go to church feeling the way I did, my mother, who had been here all weekend, made me go to the hospital. That's right. Twenty-eight years old having my second child and my mother made me go to the hospital. And I went begrudgingly because I just knew I would be sent back home. I told my husband to go on to work and my parents took me to the hospital and we brought RB right along with us.

A nurse examined me and I was STILL dilated to three and fifty percent effaced and having all kinds of painful and regular contractions. But when the doctor arrived and she could feel the baby's hair through the amniotic sac, she granted me a reprieve and broke my water. I had hoped to have her on my own without induction, but when it came down to it, that was the best news I'd heard in weeks. Even better, they ordered the epidural right away, so by the time the hard contractions started, I already had pain relief. Hooray! After about an hour they gave me a Pitocin drip, and Annabelle was on her way FAST. The time between when the doctor broke my water and when Annabelle was born was about four hours--much better than my first delivery which took twelve. The epidural was perfect--no pain but I could feel every contraction--and I suddenly had to send my mom to get the nurse because I needed to push. When I started pushing her head was there right away, and I had to stop to wait for the doctor--not a fun ten minutes. Finally the doctor got there and Annabelle's head was out in no time. Shoulders were another story. Just like RB, Annabelle got stuck. Last time I was able to push her on out, but this time the doctor grabbed the baby by the head and the nurse stood up over me and pushed down on my belly with both hands to get her out. Thanks to the epidural, that didn't hurt, although it was a bit surreal, but I certainly felt it (feel it) later. Ouch.

Annabelle cried right away, and I got to hold her as soon as she was out. Shannon (husband) got to cut the cord, and then I nursed her for a few minutes. We missed all of those things with RB because she didn't cry when she was born and they took her away for hours to observe her breathing before bringing her back to me. The whole thing went very well and I even got on the phone myself to tell friends and family that she was born. I was elated that the labor was so fast and relatively painless. The first few days of recovery were rough, but I am doing much better now, except for very painful breastfeeding. Blisters, scabs, bleeding--bad stuff. I'm trying to work it out myself. I went to a lactation consultant for the same problems with RB and she said that I was doing everything right and there didn't appear to be a problem. Except, of course, for the scabs and bleeding, right? So we'll just press on and hopefully things will get better in the next few days. Thank heaven for Vicadin.

love my tie-dyed baby shirt

Thanks for the compliments on the tie-dyed baby shirt :) I dyed several onesies and shirts before RB was born because I was frustrated with the limited offerings--why does everything have to be pink or blue? I love my tie-dyed baby clothes.

Here she is...

Our Easter baby is here!

Annabelle was born on Easter Sunday at 4:51 p.m. She weighed 8 lbs. 4 oz. and is 21 inches long. Details coming soon :)

second child anxiety

No baby yet. Still holding.

Yesterday I took RB with me to my doctor's appointment and she thought it was really exciting. She talked to the doctor the whole time we were there, telling her all about her baby sister and what she was like when she was a baby and asking her what she was doing to Mommy. She has been telling us all about what she "remembers" about being a baby. After that we went to the hospital for a special sibling tour, which included about fifteen three-year-olds and their pregnant mothers. Quite an experience! But it was surprisingly hard for me. I fought tears the whole time, and I feel like crying again thinking about it. It's hard for me to think of RB as a big sister. I'm not worried about my ability to care for the baby. I am concerned about RB and how she will feel. I don't want her to feel displaced or less important. But also it's hard to see how mature and independent she is, a feeling that is intensified by the fact that her days as the baby of the house are almost over. As she has grown up, I have not missed the stage that passed. I've never looked back at her days as an infant wistfully because the toddler stages have been so exciting and, for me, much more fun. But now that there will be a new baby and RB is taking on the role of big sister, I do feel some sadness and anxiety over her growing up.

One thing I have thought about since she was a baby was how I would care for a second baby--I realized right away that it would have to be different. There have been so many times when RB and I have been the only people in the whole world, snuggled up together, sometimes all day long when she was small enough to stay in one place for more than ten minutes. Back then my worry was how I would care for the baby; I knew that I couldn't just rely on how my experience with RB but that I would have to learn a whole new way of parenting for that child. Even though that is still true, I'm not worried about it. I'm confident that I will do just fine with the baby. I worry about how I will have to change the way I care for RB. I know I will take care of her and give her attention and show her plenty of love, but it will have to be different in some ways.

And I'm extremely pregnant and hormonal, so I'll spend the day crying over it now.

Thinking Blogger Award

Look what I got:


Canape of Don't Take the Repeats has bestowed upon me a Thinking Blogger Award. (It's also the first time I've ever been tagged for a meme.) I first encountered Canape as she was coping with the immediate grief of a miscarriage. Miscarriage is a topic that is difficult for people to talk about and understand, and she wrote so thoughtfully and beautifully about her experience--more so than I ever did--that I felt a connection to her right away. I second Gerbil's award to her. Canape makes me think and also entertains me and moves me with her observations and contemplations.

So now it is my task to give some awards. The blogs I like to read--the ones that make me think--are the ones that combine the personal, profession, emotional, and intellectual, refusing to compartmentalize their lives. (This might sound strange to those who know I keep two different blogs--this is because I want to offer updates on my family to my extended family and long distance friends, but I don't necessarily want them coming over here reading what I'm really thinking about--so I guess there's some compartmentalizing there.) And of course, I like to read blogs of people who are concerned about the same things as I am, so all of the blogs on this list address parenting and academic issues. I have also deliberately excluded people I know in person, even though I daily appreciate the ways they make me think.

The Thinking Bloggers:
Anastasia
Scrivenings
Diss, Dat, and Diapers
Writing Maternity
My Handful

And now the buck is passed to you five--you are tagged and you must now award five Thinking Blogger Awards.

waiting

Of course academic things are still happening, but I can barely maintain my interest in them long enough to complete my required tasks, let alone blog about them. So we'll just let this stand in for blog posts for the next couple of weeks (but if you're interested in pregnancy updates, email me and I'll direct you to the other blog):

a rare photo

I just posted this on my family blog, but I thought it was worth sharing here, too. It makes me happy.

progress

My diss proposal is good. Now I have to go through the process of getting it filed so I can apply for a fellowship. I've been reading Irigaray and doing fine--much better than two years ago when I read it for the first time. I will try to get my essay revised in the next week, but I get a stack of student papers tomorrow and that needs to come first. We'll see. I am no longer frantic to get everything done--I will just do my best and take what comes. So there's progress, too.

In other news, the baby is making progress. I am dilated and having contractions that are somewhat painful, but that went on for weeks before RB was born. The due date is in three weeks. Everyone feels the need to inform me of the most convenient time for the baby to be born. Guess what? I don't care and neither does the baby. She will come when she comes. That's what babies do. We are not interested in your other plans.

There's no crib set up, but there is now a place cleared for the crib. She won't sleep there for a few weeks, so that's no big deal. We're trying to decide whether to continue with a project to paint the crib--we've bought paint and sanded the crib down already--or to abandon it and have my mother-in-law bring a different crib that does not require painting. I had a vision of lovely celestial patterns stenciled on the crib, but I quickly discovered that I am in no position to bend over painting furniture. So I think we'll just let it go.

I took some Benedryl last night and slept better than I have in two weeks. Now all I want to do is go back to bed and sleep for the rest of the day.

not exactly "nesting"

But I am cleaning my house so that when the baby comes my mother-in-law won't see what it normally looks like.

Spring Break? not for Sarah

So much to do, so very pregnant. No Spring Break for me. Too much work. Baby due in four weeks. No time for complete sentences.

And the to-do list grows

I had whittled down my to-do list to three major items: apply for teaching award, finish final revisions of proposal and file it, apply for funding with April deadline. Of course, teaching fits in there, too, but next week is Spring Break and my next student papers don't come in until after that. So today I got an email from the editor of the book collection that I submitted to. My essay has been accepted with revisions. And don't you think you should add some Irigaray? And have it in by May 15. Aack! So add another major project to the to-do list, and it's just not getting done before the baby comes. Focus on the good news--I can now add it to my CV as a forthcoming publication. That's nice since this thing has been drawn out over a year (I'm sure that's normal, but it still feels like a long time to wait). So now I must put my nose to the grindstone.

dining out with RB

Here's a kid story for you.

We went out to eat with friends Wednesday night, and we sat on the patio at the restaurant. Like typical outdoor furniture, the chairs were metal with no cushions and had openings in the seats. RB was wearing a dress and had it hiked up because she has decided she can't sit on her dress (very attractive at church when she pulls her skirt up to her chest before she sits down). In the middle of dinner, she turned to me and said, matter-of-factly, "I'm tee-tee-ing" (apparently she did not think this one warranted a trip to the potty). I looked down and, sure enough, I saw a steady flow coming through the holes in her chair down to the floor and rolling into the grass. What to do? I just waited until she was finished and then took her to the bathroom to change her underwear. She got nothing on her dress, no puddle in the chair, no puddle under the chair--no one around even knew what happened, including the people at our table! And the mess just rolled off the porch into the grass. I think we'll sit outside from now on!

much better

I'm not nearly as pouty and dreary as I was yesterday. I took the afternoon off and then last night we all met up with some good friends for dinner. Much better.

Today I showed up on campus and asked for any spare minutes that my advisor could give me, and he worked me in between class and a dissertation defense. And he had comments on my proposal. I still have some revisions to make, but I feel much better about these and I am confident that I can get them done before the baby is born and get my proposal officially filed in time for the April funding application deadline. Better yet, he said (with a bit of coaxing from me) that I don't have time to get it all done before next Friday for the department deadline. Now I feel like I have permission not to apply for those awards, and that makes one less thing to worry about. One less thing is good news right now. I am going to apply for a different award that is not related to my dissertation, and I am determined to meet the April deadline. So I'm not being a total slacker--just realistic in my expectations. It will all work out.

you know what I really want?

Maternity leave. I think I'll grant that to myself for the rest of the day and write thank you notes for my baby shower gifts.

on a lighter note

Baby day is rapidly approaching. Six weeks to go. My father called me yesterday to ask when I intend to have the baby. Seriously. He has to schedule something in April and wanted my input. I told him that I fully intend to have the baby by Easter, but I can't be assured that she will comply. And I tried the at-home labor inducing methods the first time around, and they don't work. None of them. Baby comes when baby comes. But she is coming soon.

waiting, waiting...

I did send my revised proposal off to my advisor last week, but I have heard nothing yet. He had papers to grade but assures me that I am approaching the top of his list. I have deadlines for funding applications in a week and a half, and I have to get my proposal filed by then.

On one hand, I am concerned because I expect that I will have to do more revisions. I did not add the chapter he suggested that I add, and even though I intended to work on that part while he reviewed the rest, it is hard for me to do it until I get word back from him that, indeed, I have to do it. So I will probably have to do more revisions (quickly!) and then circulate it to the rest of the committee and then file it by next Friday. Doesn't seem likely to happen.

On the other hand, I don't think I'll get the funding I am applying for because I know who else is applying. Maybe that's an inferiority complex. And maybe that's just realistic. But either way, I don't really even want to apply because I feel like I'm wasting my time. There is another deadline in April, and I actually do feel okay about that one. I just don't want to rush through next week trying to pull it all together and turn in less-than-impressive materials.

Maybe if I'd heard from my advisor by now I'd feel differently. But I doubt it. And I'm not upset with him because it's my fault that I took so long to produce the revisions.

And I'm having another case of "not smart enough"--not fishing for compliments or reassurance here, just expressing that feeling. It creeps in from time to time, and based on my Google referrals, I am not alone. Of all the other phrases that bring people here, the words "not smart enough" show up most often on the referrer list.

Blah.

Some more on DePauw DZs

This story continues to bother me for two main reasons: I am a an alumna of Delta Zeta (yes, I was a sorority girl), and in the past ten years, I have spent a great deal of time with undergraduate women, as an undergrad myself and then as a teacher. There is no need for me to add to the general discussion of the Greek system and its problems and inherent flaws. And there is no need to restate how awful it is to exclude people based on appearance--that is clear and has been discussed extensively across the blogosphere and various media outlets.

I've been reading about this event from the perspective of all sides, including the official word from DZ nationals, and what is always at the front of my mind is the humiliation and rejection that these undergraduate women must have felt. Broader issues are certainly at hand, but my mind is on the individuals who were told that they are not good enough. Whether you call it "buying friends" or any of the other stereotypical characterizations of sororities, these young women, away from their families, were looking for a place to fit in and feel loved. And they were cast out by a form letter. Not just out of a club but out of the place they lived! How devastating that must have been for their self images!

There are many sides to the issue and many people to blame (the university, for one, which is up in arms over DZ's actions but didn't mind a few months ago when the whole chapter was about to close its doors and turn its property over to the school). One member from DePauw, pointing fingers at many guilty parties, reminds us that these women were treated badly by their fellow students for years before this happened. It is pointless for me to criticize DZ further for discrimination--plenty of people are doing that already and they, of course, continue to deny it, pointing repeatedly to their constitution and to the history of diversity in the sorority.

I want to say shame on you, Delta Zeta, for not treating these women with the common human decency to speak to them in person and to explain, if there was good reason as you claim, why they were kicked out. (And they were kicked out--we all know that alumna status means nothing when you're still on campus and have been evicted from your home!) Whatever your excuses and justifications, you told 23 women that they were no longer wanted, and you did it in a form letter. You hurt each of those women and they will have trouble recovering from such a blow. You owe them more than that.

DZ has acknowledged that they did not communicate well with the chapter, the university, and its alumnae. And they're doing a pretty weak job of communicating still. But whatever your admissions of guilt are at this point, it is too little, too late. You have done a lot of damage. You are not victims of the media that has "mischaracterized" an "isolated incident." You brought this down on yourself by failing to treat your members with sensitivity and respect and to simply care about the feelings of fellow human beings. I just hope that the solidarity that the former members have demonstrated will heal their emotional wounds and keep them from feeling isolated and ostracized.