Back to civilization and high speed internet

I'm back home now after a very nice visit with family and way too long in the car. But the blog will not get much attention for a few more days. I am preparing for my first day of class--teaching an upper level literature class for the first time--and I have to make sure everything is together today because of the holiday next week. During the four-day weekend, I'm going to have to try to pack up the house while RB tries to unpack it. We're moving a week from Saturday. I'm pleased with the new house so far. Hopefully I will remain happy once we get all of our stuff in there. My hubby M. is picking up the keys today and the electricity will be turned on Wednesday. But I was taking prelims right before going on vacation so guess how much is packed and ready to move. Neither M. nor I have time to deal with this right now, but such is life.

We are also feeling the money crunch that accompanies moving. We have to pay deposits and overlapping rent and renting a U-Haul. Who knows what is going to happen with the internet or how much we're going to pay (this has been my biggest worry in the decision to move to a small town). We need a new washing machine and a refrigerator. We also need a new entertainment center for the living room. I would really like to buy RB a bed--the ones I like are plentiful and cheap right now because of college students moving season, but we just don't have the money to buy it. But we are buying her a nice big birthday present. We don't typically do big, expensive gifts, but I want her to have a toy kitchen. I think she will love it and any future children we have will also love it. Oh, and I think that I should buy three-shelf bookcases to replace my five-shelf book cases. Because the bookcases will no longer be in a closed-off room, I am afraid that RB might climb on them and knock them over. The shorter ones seem less likely to fall and less likely to cause serious injury if they do. M. thinks he can anchor the tall bookcases to the wall, but they are really cheap and I just don't see how a screw in an inch-thick piece of particle board is going to help anything. I think that I can wait on the bookcases--I have already packed my books and have labeled them carefully so that I can dig through boxes and find them. So I can just have boxes of books until I get my regular salary again in the fall.

It seems like every summer the increase in expenses is inversely proportional to the decrease in income.

recommended reading

The fabulous Megs has started a new blog that is sure to be a great read. You should go see her.

unplugging

I am venturing into the wilderness where they only have dial-up internet and cell phone service is never certain. It's truly archaic. It will be a nice visit with family and I shall return to civilization shortly. Unless I am eaten by a bear. And I won't be able to call for help because my phone won't work. But I can take a picture of the bear and whoever finds my shiny pink phone on the ground will know what happened.

P.S. Scrivener was totally right. Thanks!

wistful

Anastasia's picture with baby Kizzy made me happy (no link--she took it down), so I'm posting my own. According to the date stamp, RB is two days old, just home from the hospital. And the Boppy pillow in my lap indicates a full and happy little tummy. Here's to past and future fertility, A.

ABD!

As of today, I am officially ABD. But that is a really big D.

42

After writing my last post, I read the questions on my written exam again hoping for an epiphany. And all I got was the uncomfortable realization that I'm facing something very much like that presented in The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. The answer to The Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything is 42. So what's the question?

As I sit here and ponder
the question of interdisciplinarity...
the question of representation...
the question of otherness...
I can't help but think that Douglas Adams was onto something.

P.S. Microsoft Word doesn't recognize interdisciplinarity as a word. Or otherness. Or liminal. I use those words a lot. Yes, I know I can add them to my dictionary, but I really enjoy bitching about it. Plus I regularly use, like, five different computers, so I will inevitably be annoyed by it at some point.

not smart enough

As my oral exam approaches, I am feeling the "not-smart-enough" creep up on me--a fear that I am a fraud who has somehow faked my way to this point and I am about to be exposed. Most people see the oral exam as not a big deal--the written is harder and the oral is a breeze, especially since I got such a good response to my written exam. But there is something hanging over me that prevents me from feeling that confidence. I have a difficult issue of representation and metaphor that I know I did not adequately address in my written exam (or in my diss proposal, for that matter) and that I am certain will come up in the oral. And I just don't know what to say. In fact, the problem I am having right now is that I can't formulate the proper question. There is a question on my written exam that I did not answer (and committees are notorious for making students answer questions in the oral that they avoided in the written) but that doesn't really ask a question, either. It is phrased as, "Write an essay that addresses..." That's not a question. If I can just wrap my mind around the right question, I think I can get down to the issue. And that's what my dissertation needs, too. That same question that is eluding me.
So today I feel not-smart-enough.

here's how prelims work

For those who are curious, here's how our prelim exams work. At the end of coursework (two years for most people) you declare three areas of specialization: a primary teaching field and two supporting fields. Mine are 20th. c. American lit, 20th c. Southern lit and culture, and "Religion, Literature, and Modern Culture" (I put that one in quotes because my advisor and I changed the title about twenty times before settling on that one). Then you make three lists, one for each field, which are approved by the committee. Spend about a year reading the list, then take the exam.

The written exam happens on one day--it's four hours long in a little room with only your list, a dictionary, and a computer. The exams vary tremendously; mine consisted of four one-hour essays. Officially, you turn in a diss proposal on the same day as the written exam, but my advisor wanted my proposal earlier. A week after the written comes the oral, which is two hours long. First hour is about the written exam and the reading list, second hour is a discussion of the diss proposal.

Boring post, but since I'm writing about my exams so much, and since Academom asked, I thought I'd offer a description.

P.S. Every time I title
a
post with all lower case let
ters, I like to imagine I am
e.
e.
cummings. It
brings me a small moment of
joy.
I have almost shared
that with you
many times.
Glad to
get it off
my
chest
now
.

one more prelim tip

(this post is for you, M.)

A friend asked me about studying for prelims and sharing my methods for preparing, so I've been thinking about it after the written exam. One more thing that I think helped me was to outline critical conversations. Remembering secondary sources was much harder than remembering literary texts, so when I saw a significant exchange happening among my secondary sources I outlined that. For example, in my second list there were a lot of critical texts about how to define the South and the field of Southern literature, all working around the question of what constitutes Southern difference. I created a document that listed their names along with a couple of sentences about their views, focusing on the ways that they intersect with and respond to other critics. Really useful because I was able to easily remember and draw from my outline of the critical conversation and insert myself into it for an essay on the exam.

It's all about relationships. Remembering what one critic or theorist said or what happened in one literary text is much less important than making connections among them.

preliminary report on prelims

I got the phone call from the Advisor and the report was great! He said that my exam was "quite good" and had some specific compliments for me. I will share two because they may be useful for others.

The big strategy that paid off was that I focused the questions into something workable. All of my questions were very large, broad, big picture questions, and I was required to use so many primary texts and so many secondary texts from such and so lists to answer them. And I only had an hour for each essay. So I took the big fat big picture question, took a few introductory sentences to narrow it down (and justify the narrowing) and then wrote essays about the narrower topics. I was nervous initially because I was afraid that I might appear to be side stepping the question, but this strategy actually worked well because I explained why the narrower topic was important to the big picture (briefly) and then could actually say something substantial rather than broad generalizations.

The other strategy was actually suggested by a colleague who was going in to defend his dissertation at the same time. He advised me to mention texts or theorists that were related to the topic but that weren't necessarily essential to the answer--works I wanted to talk about but didn't have time to elaborate on. A little name dropping. Then that would demonstrate my breadth of knowledge while at the same time providing topics to discuss in the oral exam. The Advisor noticed that I did that and commented that it was great because, in fact, it provided plenty of material for my committee for the oral exam. Material that I provided, so I am already comfortable talking about it. (The key here is to drop names you WANT to talk about!)

As far as the experience of the exam--utterly dissatisfying. But a lot of people have expressed the same feelings about their exams. I was frustrated because I did not have enough time to write about some really important issues and texts. I spent too much time on the first question and had to short-change the last one (which is a guarantee that I'll be talking about it at the oral). I was shocked by the limitations of the test situation--as far as the opportunity to develop good essays in such a short time--even though I knew what I was getting into. But apparently, it all worked out well.

And a week from today I have the oral exam. I need a new ticker.

written exam is done

now I wait for a phone call from the Advisor.

My child is gifted

Okay, I hesitate to say this, but my child is gifted. I know, I know, every parent thinks her child is a genius. But I'm serious. She is very bright. She is advanced beyond her peers. There. I said it. As her parent, I am concerned about this and want to talk about it, but I find it difficult. So I am going to start posting my thoughts about my gifted child and stop shying away from it, at least on the blog. I will probably not talk about it much IRL (and I'd like to add that I don't necessarily like the phrase "in real life" (IRL) here because this is real life--I'm really writing this, people are really reading it, there is real communication going on. So here I'm using it as a convention that everyone is familiar with in the context of online communication--meaning conversations in person with people I know personally. But I do consider this real life.)

The first post on this topic, then, will be about how I don't feel comfortable talking about my concerns about my gifted child. I feel even now as if I should run down a list of the reasons that I think that she is gifted, to justify my claim. I won't because I'm trying to force myself out of that mindset. Plus, that is boring for everyone else.

This morning her preschool teacher asked me if I work with her at home on numbers, colors, etc. Yes, I do. She said to keep doing it because RB is very smart. I appreciated that comment because it was not a conversation that I had to initiate, and I had a person with a lot of experience with her age group to discuss it with. But the conversation did not last long because there were other parents in the room and I feel uncomfortable talking about this matter in front of them. I have also stopped telling stories about RB's funny comments and observations to other parents because lately the reaction has been a look of sadness from them and their confession that their kids are not talking so much or doing those things. They are embarrassed and so am I. It becomes about comparisons rather than sharing the experience of parenting.

I need to be able to talk about her without appearing to be boasting--I'm not--and without making others feel inferior--they're not. When I bring it up to my mother, her responses are invariably to say "She's got good genes" or to compare her to my nephew who is close to her age. Not helpful. I am not fishing for compliments or looking for comparisons. I want to know how to nurture my daughter. I want to talk about my concerns for her starting public school (in three years, but I've always been an early worrier). I want to talk to her teachers at the new school she starts in August about how to challenge her in the classroom. I want to talk about what concepts I should be working with her on and what is too advanced to introduce. I want to have these converstations and I don't feel comfortable doing it.

Why do I feel so uncomfortable talking about this with friends, family, and other parents? Why is the response when I do bring it up always, "Well, of course she's smart." That feels like dismissal. I am frustrated right now with my discomfort talking about the topic and also with the lack of dialogue when I do bring it up.

P.S. Check out the ticker.

I just don't know what to do with myself

(except to blog, of course)

Written exam is Tuesday. In toddler world, weekends don't count as work days, so really, I've got two days. What do I do with those days? No idea.

Counting down to prelims

Today I had the pre-exam meeting with the Advisor, and it was not what I had anticipated. He had not recieved questions from the other committee members yet, so he did not know for certain what would be on the exam. So he could not vaguely allude to questions, which, as I understood was the purpose of the meeting. But I did learn some things:

• There will likely be no identification questions on the exam. I have spent the last two days reviewing my books and listing potential ID questions, but those efforts have not been wasted because now I can probably recall some details that will in fact be useful in answering essay questions.
• The test will likely consist of four one-hour essays, some of which will be required questions and some of which will offer choices.
• A common mistake that people make is not giving specific examples in their essays. The work I have done preparing for IDs should help me to avoid that.
• I should not neglect the earlier twentieth century even though (because) my dissertation is on contemporary works.
• I should be prepared for questions that diverge from my diss topic. Wow. That really narrows it down.
• Questions should not be such that require me to address any specific work, but they will require me to address a specific number of works from the three lists.

So I feel okay about the whole thing, but not like I know any more than I did yesterday. Except no IDs. That is good news--such specific questions sometimes make me freeze up. I'm still not sure what to do about the poetry--I just can't fathom writing about poetry without the poem in front of me. But it looks like maybe I won't have to do that, and I enjoyed reading the poetry, anyway. How can anyone have an American literature reading list with no poetry on it?

I was trying to talk to my mother yesterday about the exam and she asked, "So did you actually read the books on your list?" Um...yes. What a wierd question. My family has no idea what I do. But they try.

This is RB

My brain is full. I have no mental energy for serious blog posts, probably until after prelims. But we have also discovered that I can't not blog. So here's RB. And those are my fingers putting sunblock on her arm. Ooohh...the mystery of the semi-anonymous academic blogger.

study break

Taking a break--made a ticker:




I chose the turtle because I have it tatooed on my back. Not just something that resembles it--that actual image. Wierd, huh?

Grad students blogging

I'm a little late in finding this, but here's a link to a story from US News and World Report on grad student bloggers.

why revision is hard

A Google search for "why revision is hard" led a browser here a few weeks ago--I really wonder what they were hoping to find! I was thinking about this today because I'm really tired after my intensive two days of revision on a document that is only twelve pages long. Part of what is hard is the fact that I worked for two days and it is still twelve pages long.

When we are learning to compose papers, there is a lot of emphasis, from students and teachers, on filling up pages. Papers are defined by how long they are, and progress is measured by how many pages you've written. So to work so hard on something but have no more PAGES to show for it is hard to take--it doesn't feel like progress in the way we have learned to see it. Even at a high academic level, even as an experienced writer and a teacher of writing, something remains of that idea of pages = progress. (And I have to tack on that this is relevant to understanding the difference between composing traditional papers and electronic or other media documents and how it is hard for a lot of people to move from one to the other.)

Another difficulty is that revision necessitates cutting, sometimes large amounts of text, sometimes words that you are especially attached to. My friend (I know you're reading this!) reminded me of some advice we got recently and that she has put to use. Have a "dump file" to go along with every document you produce, copy and paste everything you cut, and then date it and save it. Then your words are not deleted and you don't have the anxiety of losing something that might be valuable later or throwing away something that you have created. And maybe that would help allay the sense of moving backwards.

And revision is also hard because it requires a lot of thought work, and people (inside and outside the academy) too often fail to recognize that as real work.

a post about marriage

Last night I said something that surprised my husband, and then he responded in a way that surprised me. What was said is not as important here as that we were surprised.

You know how in the first year of a relationship you talk all the time and tell all kinds of interesting stories and every day learn more about each other? Then after a while, you have a sense that you know that person well, that you have unique insight into his psyche. That is very comfortable and secure and good, but it can also lead to taking a lot for granted, expecting your partner to be the same person he was five years ago, even if you realize that you are not. And assuming that you understand everything about him, that you have seen all that he is and know all that he will be.

Last night, after each of us said something that surprised the other, my husband and I stayed up late talking for hours, revealing things about ourselves that we had never talked about before. We learned a lot about each other again. And today I feel a little bit like I am falling in love. With my husband. How great is that?

sent off

I sent the diss proposal off to the committee, and now it is out of my hands. And now I must convince myself to let it go so I can continue with preparations for the written exam. And now I am exhausted and hungry and cannot quite work up the energy to find something to eat. From where I sit, that sounds like a rather large task.