new additions to the blog roll

We can expect to see some insightful commentary on academia, literature, parenting, and a dose of religion on Literacy-chic's new blog Words, Words.

And I have lately been following Canape's story on Don't Take the Repeats as she copes with a recent miscarriage. As the due date of my second pregnancy passed this Christmas, I've been reflecting on my own experience. Canape's words are honest and often painful but also beautiful. Sometimes what helps the most is connecting with someone who really understands how you feel.

I've had a rough year

Nothing exceptionally terrible has happened--unless you count the miscarriage--but I have felt generally off for the past year. I have had several major external stressors, but I think a lot of it comes down to just not feeling right in my own skin. I was depressed last fall after RB weaned and I went to counseling for a while, which helped. My hormones changed because I stopped nursing and I also had to change birth control pills, which made things so much worse that I just stopped taking them altogether. I got pregnant (on purpose--not because I quit the pills) in March and then miscarried at the end of May, and that has been another hormonal upheaval. In the process I have gained 15 pounds. That's a lot of pounds in a short time. My body has been in so many different shapes since October 2003--I got pregnant, and then had a baby, lost all the baby weight, breastfed, stopped breastfeeding, got pregnant, got not-pregnant, and generally ate too much because I have generally felt like crap for a year. And I look like hell. Or at least like some other person that I don't recognize as myself. My weight has plateued--I'm not gaining anymore--but I have not been able to stick to a change in eating habits and activity that would allow me to get back to my normal weight. I just feel bad.

on trying again

As I said in the previous post, the way I think about pregnancy is changed.

I was frustrated during the six-week holding period when I was advised not to attempt to concieve yet--like I was holding my breath for all that time. But that time was necessary for an emotional healing process. I mentioned that I was angry in the first few weeks and wanted to be pregnant again very badly. After a little time, I no longer feel like being pregnant again will make it all better--I no longer feel the need for the band-aid on the wound because I have healed since then. At this point, I do want to get pregnant, but I feel like it's okay if I do and it's okay if I don't. I actually have no interest in ovulation testing and charting and temping and all that stuff. When I got pregnant, I had a false sense of control because I had selected the due date for myself and, with the aid of an ovulation test kit, successfully got pregnant at the right time on the first try (again). Look how smug I am. But then it was over and all illusions of control vanished. (Very Flannery O'Connor, right?) So now I am ready to concieve again but not ready to set myself up for the emotional roller coaster of am I? or am I not? My husband also said to me that he doesn't want any testing or charting or planning. Just going about our lives and taking what we get. I think that those attitudes will change after a few months, at least mine will, but I like where we are now--not anxious to make something happen but open to it if it does.

But I have lost something important.

When I got pregnant, I was elated. When I was pregnant with RB, I was so afraid--I read obsessively, agonized over everything I felt and ate and heard. I would have invented things to worry about but What to Expect When You're Expecting took care of all of that for me (BTW, don't buy that book--really, don't buy it). And childbirth? How scary is that?! And what do you even do with a baby once it gets here--besides dress it up? But the second time, no fear. I was so confident! I had no desire to read a book or a baby magazine or pregnancy websites. I knew that I could handle childbirth--as long as there is an epidural in reach, I've got that covered! And I have been successful with RB, so I know I can get a baby from birth to two years, anyway. That's gone now. I know that if I get pregnant again, I will be anxious and afraid again. I'll over-worry and over-analyze. The immediate euphoria will be replaced with cautious optimism. Maybe that feeling will fade as the pregnancy advances. Who knows?

on miscarriage

Warning: Content is potentially disturbing.

It's been eight weeks since the miscarriage. This has been a really strange thing to deal with. In a lot of painful situations how to respond emotionally seems clear--there is an expected reaction and people respond to that expected reaction in expected ways. But I really didn't know what emotions should correspond with a miscarriage and people didn't seem to know how to respond to me, either. That sounds strange to say, but I felt it strongly.

I had a nagging feeling that something was not right--more than normal worry because I mentioned it to my doctor. I had my first appointment and had an ultrasound that showed the little creature and its little heartbeat alive inside me. And the very next day I held the fetus in my hand. I was at home alone when it happened, and I looked at it, telling myself out loud what it was--like I had to explain to myself what had just happened. That is an important detail to me because it is the image that appeared in my mind suddenly and frequently for weeks, and I had a physical reaction every time. Like I had run into something. Or like I was about to walk into that image and had to stop short to avoid it. I even turned my head trying not to look. When I came home from the doctor's office after I miscarried, I threw the ultrasound photo in the trash. I wanted to separate myself from it--I did not want to ever look at it again. Because then it would be like I lost a baby. I did everything possible to emphasize to myself that it was not a child but the idea of a child--the hope for a child--the potential of a child--that was lost.

But it is not an idea in that it will all go away if I can have another child. This was the hope for a specific baby, born at Christmas, when RB is two and a half. I had begun to think of myself as a mother of two, and now I am not that. When I fill out forms at the doctor's office, there will always be more pregnancies than children. I am not "dwelling" on the experience, whatever that means, anyway. But I am aware of it as a presence in my life that will be there always.

I don't have a lot of emotions about the miscarriage anymore. I feel a dim kind of sadness sometimes, but most of the time I feel not much at all. Just a kind of understanding that this thing happened. Right after it happened I felt depressed and sometimes very sad but the emotion that was surprisingly powerful was anger. I wanted very much to be pregnant and I was not anymore, and that pissed me off. I wanted to be pregnant again right away because it was very hard to be in the middle of all the plans I had made in my mind and then have to toss them out. It was just over. I was so angry about that.

And it was hard to talk to people--and everyone knew I was pregnant, so the topic came up. Most of the time I didn't want to talk about it and other times I didn't know who to confide in. When people heard the news, some responded as if it were a great tragedy, and it wasn't. That was uncomfortable for me. Others responded as if it were no big deal--"Well, you know, it's not that unusual."--also uncomfortable because despite the statistical frequency of miscarriage, it is a big deal to me. Of course, the response that was helpful (which I did get, too) was just quiet listening and "I'm sorry" and "I love you." Isn't that always the right response? Why do we forget that all the time?

But now I am good and not angry and not sad--at least not in the same way--but I am changed. And the way that I think about pregnancy is changed.

here we go again

Six weeks since the miscarriage, I now have go-ahead to try again.

I thought I was okay

Throwing myself into work has been mostly effective, and I don't feel like I'm really avoiding the fact of my miscarriage, but the sadness is hitting me now at unexpected times. I guess that my grief was delayed for a while, and I thought I was handling things very well. Then suddenly I am just sad. Very sad.

miscarriage

I am no longer pregnant.

saw the heartbeat

I went to the doctor today and saw the little heartbeat inside me. I am very pleased.

This week I'm off to the big city to talk about some poetry. I shall return.