inconsiderate

This is a personal vent. My husband worked two double shifts in a row, Friday and Saturday, because he only has two shift managers and they both asked off. Today he was supposed to go in at 4:00 p.m. He had to go in at 11:00 a.m. because at the time the restaurant was supposed to open, no manager was in sight. Just didn't show. I had been looking through recipes all week to put together a special meal for Father's Day, which is not so easy because my husband is picky. I cooked steak for the first time ever. I made a red wine marinade. Rebekah and I decorated cupcakes yesterday. But he missed it all. We had enough time to get up, take pictures of the girls with Daddy, and get happy about spending half a day together--we have to get excited about half a day--and then he had to leave and I'd already started cooking. Can't stop in the middle. My gift is wasted. It's in the refrigerator. It was good when I ate it alone at lunch, but day-old steak is not a special meal. And grilled potatoes that simply can't be reheated. And I ate three cupcakes. He had none. I've been depressed all day.

I'm more upset because this is not just a consequence of the job that takes too many hours. Someone did this to us. He had asked off for the weekend but in order to avoid using vacation time, opted for Friday and Saturday rather than Sunday. And then he didn't show up on Sunday and is not answering his phone or returning phone calls. Maybe something bad happened. I doubt it. It is more likely that he decided it was more important to be off work, so he just didn't go in. This happens a lot. And my husband is always the one who has to cover because he's the boss. So fire him, right? Sure, but then my husband has to work his 40 hours a week. Doesn't help the situation. It wasn't like this where we lived before. And there's only one more week left in this place, so maybe the new place will be better. My husband will be driving an hour every day until our house is ready, but he is happy to do it at this point.

Why do some people refuse to consider the consequences that their actions have for others? If this was an isolated incident, I wouldn't still be sad. But it happens all the time. And I am left alone. Today I am taking it personally.

the husband's job

The husband is moving because he doesn't like his current location and told his boss that he needed to move or he would have to quit. So they found him a new place pretty quickly--same job, different place. The position was vacated by a manager who quit because his wife said she would divorce him if he didn't get a different job. Yep.

fathering

Supadiscomama has a nice post on fatherhood, which has inspired yet another post on work-family conflict. I certainly do not disagree with Supadiscomama. Yes, I think that we need to change our assumption that mothers are better at parenting than fathers in order to get away from the expectation that women are the primary caregivers. Something revolutionary needs to happen in the realm of men's work before this can be possible.

My friends can attest to an equitable division of home labor in their families, but they are lucky women, indeed. Such is not the case in my home, and it is not because my husband and I ascribe to old ideals about gendered work. It is because the world around us still holds those ideals. Men, including fathers, are expected to perform as ideal workers more than women. There is much less tolerance for men taking paternity leave or going home early to be with family or taking off work to care for sick children. My husband has one of those jobs that depends on my availability to do most of the work at home, including child care. He's not a high-powered executive chasing the almighty dollar. He's a restaurant manager. At all income levels, those jobs are the norm, not the exception.

Here is where choice rhetoric comes in--he has chosen that career and he could choose one that is more family friendly. But, of course, it's not nearly so simple to drop everything and start over in a new career with no experience. And he has paid a "daddy tax" by acting out of that ideal worker norm. When he chose to relocate so I could go to school, he lost a promotion and all his seniority, which means he has been in the same position for years and has lost some long-term income potential. And it will happen again after I graduate and ask him, once again, to quit his job in favor of mine.

My husband wants to care for our child, and I have left her alone with him while I have gone to conferences (but admittedly, I am nervous when I do). He is a good father, and he is involved with our child's life. And he cleans the house and does the dishes from time to time (someone has to--I am not a good housekeeper). But I am the one in charge of managing our home, making sure all the bills are paid and the clothes are washed and the groceries are bought. And I am RB's primary caregiver. It's not the way we would choose it to be if it were really our choice. It's the way that his job demands his time and mine allows for much more flexibility.

academics with children

Bitch, Ph.D. recently responded to a reader’s question about the feasibility of getting a Ph.D. while raising three children—LOTS of discussion there. Academom and Geeky Mom have also responded on their own blogs.

To add my two cents, of course it’s hard to get a graduate degree and raise children. It’s hard to have any career and raise children. Some people will succeed as if they don’t even have children while others will not finish their degrees. That happens among people who don’t have children, too. I do think that in some places women can be taken less seriously if they have children, but I have not experienced that in my department.

The problem is not just with academia but with the general expectation in most careers that employees will be ideal workers who can devote almost unlimited time to their jobs without interference from family responsibilities (read Joan Williams’s Unbending Gender: Why Family and Work Conflict and What to do About It). If you’re a mother who performs as an ideal worker, then you must be neglecting your children. If your family responsibilities interfere with your work because you have to take off when kids are sick or you can’t work after five because you have to be home, then you are not committed to your career and you don’t deserve rewards like promotions or fellowships. Some of these considerations come into play in grad school, with course work and deadlines, others come up in the job search (who has time to publish when you’re doing all you can to meet your degree requirements?), but I think it is even more intensified on the tenure track (but I can’t personally attest to this yet).

I think that I have done well raising one child while in grad school—we’ll soon see how I do with two. It is doable. But I expect that my responsibilities as a mother will effect my career in the long-term. I am on a race to finish my dissertation before my funding runs out, hopefully publishing something along the way. But I’m certain that I will take a year longer than I would have without kids. And when I look for a job, I am not hoping to end up at a major research university, especially if that means moving multiple times to get there. I don’t want to the intense pressure of two books for tenure because I don’t want to put in the hours for it. I want to be with my family and I want to be happy when I’m with them, not worried about my job. That is my choice, you say? Well, maybe, but what kind of choice is that? My career OR my kids? I have adapted my notion of success in this career to something that allows me to teach and do my work and have plenty of time for my family. I don’t believe I can find this ideal at an elite university, so I do not aspire to work at an elite university. I know that you can probably name me some people who have done it all, but I don’t see that in my life. So I intend to accept the glass-mommy-ceiling, but that doesn’t mean I’m always happy about it.

For more on the effect of motherhood on academic careers, see Mary Ann Mason’s Do Babies Matter? project.

So what does Focus on the Family say about work-family conflict?

I gave a teaser of my paper earlier this week, and some people have expressed interest. Of course, I won't post my paper here, but I have selected the most representative statement from the FOF website about work-family conflict (which is, apparently, only a woman's problem).

I'm too tired tonight to offer commentary. Let me know what you think.

another blogger on "balance"

In this week's spirit of lazy posting, here's a link to Mom and Much More's "On Balancing." She expresses what I know many working mothers feel.

The issue of work-family conflict has been at the front of my mind for several weeks now, and I have a post simmering. I haven't gotten to it because I don't want it to be totally abstract and I am a bit too emotional when it becomes about me. I tried to talk to my husband about it this week and ended up in tears. That is not to say that I am unhappy in my life--I think that I have figured out how to make being a student and being a mother mesh pretty well, which was not the case in my daughter's first year. But there are long term concerns because my responsibilities will change dramatically once I am on a tenure track (or struggling as an adjunct, whatever my fate may be). Things will change then, and I will pay a mommy tax in the long run.