working from home

I have returned from my conference--first time I have left RB overnight--lots to say about lots of things but I don't know which ones I'll get to.

Right now I want to talk about working from home. I've almost blogged about this several times, but after reading Academom's revelation, I decided now's the time. When I was pregnant and interviewing pediatricians, the one we chose told me that studies have shown that stay-at-home moms and work-outside-the-home moms are the most satisfied with their work-family...situation (I have rejected the word "balance" in all references to working and parenting but have yet to find a more suitable metaphor). Work-at-home moms express the least satisfaction and the most conflict. Disclaimer: I have not seen these studies, nor am I claiming their veracity--what's important here is the message I received. I was actually appreciative of this information, but I did not waiver in my decision--in fact, I would probably do it the same way again. RB had part-time daycare, and the rest of the time I attempted to work at home. I think I have to add here that my husband works 50-60 hours a week. So it was pretty much on me.

The first semester (which started when RB was seven weeks old!) was fine because she slept a lot. In fact, some of my favorite memories are days when I would spend hours on my bed with a baby and a ton of books, nursing, then letting her nap beside me, then nursing, and so on, reading all the time. The second semester did not go smoothly. Serious discontent set in. She no longer slept for long stretches during the day--in fact she stopped sleeping for long stretches at night, too. The times that I had other childcare were the times I was physically in class, so I had no prep time, writing time, grading time, or reading time to myself. I felt like I was doing a full time job on 20 hours a week, and I was unhappy. I felt guilty when I was working and I even felt guilty when I was taking care of RB--I had no division of work and home, and the person I ended up blaming for all my unhappiness was my husband. Needless to say, that was not good.

I worked part-time for part of the summer and then took the rest of the summer off, and I was quite content then. When the fall semester started again, and RB was a toddler, she started all day care and now I work while she is at school and don't work when I am at home. Please don't think that I am generalizing my experience--I personally need that work-home division and I believe that having it has made me a better student and a better mom because I am altogether a happier person. I feel satisfied and not torn anymore (usually).

Big changes are on the horizon for me, and I don't know how I'm going to handle things in the future. I will not forget that experience, and I have learned about what to expect of myself and the hard truth about trying to work at home with a child.