After reading so much gender theory, watching my daughter develop a concept of gender fascinates me (and often entertains me).
Sunday morning I put her hair up with a bow, and she looked in the mirror and said, "Now I'm a girl." She messed it up and I had to take it out and start over. When I took it out, she said, "I'm not a girl anymore."
I didn't say anything--sometimes I think it's more important to let her work those things out for herself.
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
in case you haven't seen it yet
You should check out the round of discussion on the challenges of young female faculty, starting with Azpazia. Dr. Crazy has assembled a collection of links, so I'll just piggy back on her.
Sunday, January 28, 2007
how do you do it?
One of the most frequent questions I get in person and via Google referrals is probably, how do you raise a child while going to school? (I don't know how punctuation is supposed to work in that sentence--it always bugs me. If anyone has a definitive answer on that, I am open to it.) I don't really believe that raising a child in grad school is any harder than raising a child with any career, but one thing that is usually part of being in grad school is living far from family. I often fantasize about being able to call my mom when I need help with RB or if an emergency comes up, especially when I call and she's taking care of my brother's kids. Wouldn't it be nice? But that's just not possible for me or for most people in this line of work. But I have friends. (Here's where things are going to get a little mushy.)
I've been thinking about what's going to happen when AB is born and remembering how things were when RB was a baby. I couldn't have gotten through it without a few people (you know who you are!) who cared for my baby at various, often random times while I took a full course load and taught a class with a really inconvenient schedule that had me on campus at 9:00 a.m. and 5:15 p.m., not to mention night classes. And for several months there, she was a sickly baby who screamed the whole time I was out of her sight. My situation is much different now, but I don't know what I would have done without them. And I am grateful, too, for a friendship that grew out of my offer to help out a fellow student-mom whom I barely knew at the time because I knew what it was like to need help and not know where that help was going to come from. Now she and her family are very important to me and to my daughter.
I don't have an active social life. I never have "Mommy's night out." I hardly even go out with my husband. I pretty much work and hang out with my kid. But I do know that there are people around who will help me when I need it. And I hope they think of me when they need help. It's crucial to have a network of support. I don't know anybody who could truly do it alone.
This post brought to you by sappy, pregnant, emotional Sarah.
I've been thinking about what's going to happen when AB is born and remembering how things were when RB was a baby. I couldn't have gotten through it without a few people (you know who you are!) who cared for my baby at various, often random times while I took a full course load and taught a class with a really inconvenient schedule that had me on campus at 9:00 a.m. and 5:15 p.m., not to mention night classes. And for several months there, she was a sickly baby who screamed the whole time I was out of her sight. My situation is much different now, but I don't know what I would have done without them. And I am grateful, too, for a friendship that grew out of my offer to help out a fellow student-mom whom I barely knew at the time because I knew what it was like to need help and not know where that help was going to come from. Now she and her family are very important to me and to my daughter.
I don't have an active social life. I never have "Mommy's night out." I hardly even go out with my husband. I pretty much work and hang out with my kid. But I do know that there are people around who will help me when I need it. And I hope they think of me when they need help. It's crucial to have a network of support. I don't know anybody who could truly do it alone.
This post brought to you by sappy, pregnant, emotional Sarah.
Friday, January 26, 2007
everything is okay; RB makes an observation
Just an update for the kind commenters who expressed support. Dad's okay (reasonably). Mom's okay (resonably). I'm as okay as I ever am. We'll see how next week goes.
RB has brought it to my attention that I talk to myself. A lot. Every day. I never really noticed it, but lately I'll say something, and she'll ask, "What did you say?" Then I realize I'm talking to myself aloud again. Usually she just shrugs it off, but today she asked, "Why do you talk to yourself?" She is starting to figure out that her mother is just a touch crazy. (But she talks to herself, too. Maybe it's genetic. There is a line of crazy women in my family.)
RB has brought it to my attention that I talk to myself. A lot. Every day. I never really noticed it, but lately I'll say something, and she'll ask, "What did you say?" Then I realize I'm talking to myself aloud again. Usually she just shrugs it off, but today she asked, "Why do you talk to yourself?" She is starting to figure out that her mother is just a touch crazy. (But she talks to herself, too. Maybe it's genetic. There is a line of crazy women in my family.)
Friday, January 19, 2007
report on meeting
Meeting with advisor went well. I didn't look stupid. I guess I cried on Tuesday for no reason. Not that it was the first time I've cried over my dissertation. Or the last.
I have to totally rewrite my dissertation proposal. I've known that since June but haven't done it. My advisor came very close to setting a deadline for me. I talked to him today about how I would rewrite it, and I do think that it is better in my head than my first proposal. It's just getting it on paper that is the problem. I even made a change that he hoped I would make but didn't tell me because he didn't want to force the change on me. That was good. And he suggested an additional chapter about something that I have not thought about at all. Not at all. That was not as good.
I need to get as excited about my dissertation as I am about teaching.
I have to totally rewrite my dissertation proposal. I've known that since June but haven't done it. My advisor came very close to setting a deadline for me. I talked to him today about how I would rewrite it, and I do think that it is better in my head than my first proposal. It's just getting it on paper that is the problem. I even made a change that he hoped I would make but didn't tell me because he didn't want to force the change on me. That was good. And he suggested an additional chapter about something that I have not thought about at all. Not at all. That was not as good.
I need to get as excited about my dissertation as I am about teaching.
first day of school
Finally! I met my class today, and I was really excited about starting the semester--like, crazy hyper excited, but I tried to keep cool and not be such a dork in front of my students. Of course, today was just a lot of introductory material, throwing it at them pretty fast so they can decide if they want to bail before the add/drop deadline. I couldn't get a vibe from them, though. They all looked a little stunned. Glazed over. I don't know what to make of it. I don't know if it was me or my syllabus or all the computers or what. Or maybe it was just 9:00 a.m. At any rate, not my typical first day, and I'm anxious to get back on Monday to see if anything has changed. Or if I've lost half my class.
When I was checking roll, one student told me her name was Mary. After class, she came up to me and told me that she prefers to go by Mary Kay. "I didn't tell you that when you asked," she said, "because I didn't expect that you would want to learn my name."
I'm glad she decided that I was interested in learning her name.
When I was checking roll, one student told me her name was Mary. After class, she came up to me and told me that she prefers to go by Mary Kay. "I didn't tell you that when you asked," she said, "because I didn't expect that you would want to learn my name."
I'm glad she decided that I was interested in learning her name.
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Course evaluations
I've gotten some work done and I think I'll survive my meeting tomorrow. We'll see.
For now, I'm concerned about course evaluations. I do take them seriously and value student feedback, but I also try to keep it in perspective and not get myself worked up and paranoid over one disgruntled student. And isn't there always one? Last semester my class was totally online--never met my students in person although I did make myself available for face-to-face conferences. I am concerned about a few responses.
1. Assignments were too detailed and because of that were confusing. (this was an isolated comment but it stood out to me)
I was surprised at this--I would have expected the opposite to be true. In most of my classes I give assignment prompts that are at least a page long with bulleted lists of the essential elements. I do like my students to have some freedom to be creative, but I have generally found that too much freedom causes them to feel anxious (but that's not always bad). This was a Technical Writing class so the assignments did have precise requirements and were spelled out in great detail, more than I would usually give for a comp or lit class. So what do you think? Is there such a thing as too much detail for a tech writing assignment? How about for a more traditional academic essay? By graduate level, of course, most prompts consist of "Write a term paper. Period." Do lower level undergrads need more instructions while upper level need less? Should an online class have more detailed prompts to make up for the lack of classroom discussion of the assignment?
2. Too many assignments for an online class. (Not so isolated--maybe four people said this)
I think this just represents a problem with student attitudes toward online classes. They see it as a way to save time because they are too busy to sit in a classroom. And then when it requires as much work as a regular class, they are unhappily surprised. So this could just be chalked up to whining and ignored. But I think it might be something that has to be addressed in some way very early in the semester so students snap out of the mindset that they can breeze through the class simply because it is online.
3. Instructor seemed "annoyed or unwilling to offer advice."
Ouch. I am always frustrated when I score below perfect on the accessibility questions. I constantly remind and invite students to ask questions, email me, meet with me, etc. I don't know what to do when a student won't take advantage of it and then scores me low on evaluations. But there is another problem here. I seemed annoyed. Honestly, sometimes I was annoyed. My annoyance came when students did not ask questions or contact me when asked to but also when they did not read instructions and asked me questions that were clearly answered in the assignment prompts, or even worse, in bold letters on the announcements. My response to that was often "Read the instructions carefully and then ask me again if you have any more questions." That probably sounded like I was annoyed. I was. But what is the appropriate response? Electronic communication is, of course, notorious for miscommunications based on tone. No facial expression or tone of voice to help out. But there is also the problem that students (well, people in general) do not want to read instructions for themselves (especially, the long detailed ones in this class). This student's comment bothers me because it is really important to me to be available to my students and for them to feel comfortable approaching me. How do I communicate to them the importance of THEIR responsibility to read the course material carefully without sounding like I am annoyed if they ask me questions?
Incidentally, I did get positive comments on the same question. My favorite: “There was not a reasonable time when I could not reach her, unless it was late at night when normal people sleep.”
So there are a lot of questions, some rhetorical but others to which I would like some real answers. Any thoughts on these issues or course evaluations in general?
For now, I'm concerned about course evaluations. I do take them seriously and value student feedback, but I also try to keep it in perspective and not get myself worked up and paranoid over one disgruntled student. And isn't there always one? Last semester my class was totally online--never met my students in person although I did make myself available for face-to-face conferences. I am concerned about a few responses.
1. Assignments were too detailed and because of that were confusing. (this was an isolated comment but it stood out to me)
I was surprised at this--I would have expected the opposite to be true. In most of my classes I give assignment prompts that are at least a page long with bulleted lists of the essential elements. I do like my students to have some freedom to be creative, but I have generally found that too much freedom causes them to feel anxious (but that's not always bad). This was a Technical Writing class so the assignments did have precise requirements and were spelled out in great detail, more than I would usually give for a comp or lit class. So what do you think? Is there such a thing as too much detail for a tech writing assignment? How about for a more traditional academic essay? By graduate level, of course, most prompts consist of "Write a term paper. Period." Do lower level undergrads need more instructions while upper level need less? Should an online class have more detailed prompts to make up for the lack of classroom discussion of the assignment?
2. Too many assignments for an online class. (Not so isolated--maybe four people said this)
I think this just represents a problem with student attitudes toward online classes. They see it as a way to save time because they are too busy to sit in a classroom. And then when it requires as much work as a regular class, they are unhappily surprised. So this could just be chalked up to whining and ignored. But I think it might be something that has to be addressed in some way very early in the semester so students snap out of the mindset that they can breeze through the class simply because it is online.
3. Instructor seemed "annoyed or unwilling to offer advice."
Ouch. I am always frustrated when I score below perfect on the accessibility questions. I constantly remind and invite students to ask questions, email me, meet with me, etc. I don't know what to do when a student won't take advantage of it and then scores me low on evaluations. But there is another problem here. I seemed annoyed. Honestly, sometimes I was annoyed. My annoyance came when students did not ask questions or contact me when asked to but also when they did not read instructions and asked me questions that were clearly answered in the assignment prompts, or even worse, in bold letters on the announcements. My response to that was often "Read the instructions carefully and then ask me again if you have any more questions." That probably sounded like I was annoyed. I was. But what is the appropriate response? Electronic communication is, of course, notorious for miscommunications based on tone. No facial expression or tone of voice to help out. But there is also the problem that students (well, people in general) do not want to read instructions for themselves (especially, the long detailed ones in this class). This student's comment bothers me because it is really important to me to be available to my students and for them to feel comfortable approaching me. How do I communicate to them the importance of THEIR responsibility to read the course material carefully without sounding like I am annoyed if they ask me questions?
Incidentally, I did get positive comments on the same question. My favorite: “There was not a reasonable time when I could not reach her, unless it was late at night when normal people sleep.”
So there are a lot of questions, some rhetorical but others to which I would like some real answers. Any thoughts on these issues or course evaluations in general?
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Academic time
I think about this topic all the time, so I was pleased to read PhDing's great post "The Circadian Rhythms of Academic Life" found on his new blog Doctorating (he is also cold and stuck at home--I wonder if he is close to me). I highly recommend you check it out, especially if you're feeling all cabin-fever-y like I am.
P.S. I get what you're trying to do with the name, but I always read it as Ph--Ding! It makes me smile.
P.P.S. This post is brought to you by the Backyardigans (with a short spurt of real work to follow, courtesy of Dora the Explorer).
P.S. I get what you're trying to do with the name, but I always read it as Ph--Ding! It makes me smile.
P.P.S. This post is brought to you by the Backyardigans (with a short spurt of real work to follow, courtesy of Dora the Explorer).
Outlook not good
Weather is worse instead of better. It's another snow day, which is pretty much another lost work day. RB has not been taking naps because she's not doing enough to get tired. First day of school is postponed, and I was so looking forward to it in my dorky "I love school" way. Outlook is not good for the meeting on Friday. Yesterday I cried about it, but I'm pregnant and sometimes that just happens. Sigh.
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
A step in the right direction?
I just had an email exchange with my advisor, in which I had an easy opportunity to take an out from meeting with him until February. But I said I want to meet Friday. I am not ready for a meeting, but this will force me to put together some coherent ideas and articulate a real direction, even if there's nothing in writing. Otherwise I would allow myself to put it off and delay progress yet again. I have a knack for doing real work that is not the work I need to do. So I can justify, for example, throwing myself into teaching this week and spending more hours than are actually necessary while letting the dissertation fall by the wayside again. But I'm not letting myself justify it. I have committed to a meeting in three days and will have something to say at that meeting (even as I am still stuck at home with no child care because of the "ice storm" that I have yet to see). Or I will sit there and say, "uhhh....."
Edited to add: The ice finally got to me...brrrr.....
Edited to add: The ice finally got to me...brrrr.....
Monday, January 15, 2007
Carnival of GRADual Progress
As many of us sit home waiting out the ice because schools (and preschools) are closed, we can catch up with our fellow grad bloggers at the Sixth Carnival of GRADual Progress.
Stay warm, and for those with children cooped up in the house all day, try to stay sane, too.
Stay warm, and for those with children cooped up in the house all day, try to stay sane, too.
Friday, January 12, 2007
milestone blogging: teaching, diss, anonymity
I just realized my last post was number 200. Milestone. I'm trying to make some decisions about the blog.
This is an uncharacteristically long post, so in good technical writing style, I'll give you some headings so you can skip the stuff you don't want to read.
Blog slump:
I am in a blog slump and have been posting a lot more often to my family blog, which is all about pregnancy updates and pictures of RB. I have thought about ditching this blog because lately it's boring. But I'm going to chalk it up to the break and expect it to get better next week. I get all jumpy and anxious during breaks. I enjoy a little time off, but once I rest a bit, I want my routine back. Summer drives me crazy. I am so ready for classes to start because I really really love teaching and I also love to blog about teaching.
Teaching:
One decision I'm trying to make now is how specific to get about my class. I am requiring my students to blog this semester, which means that some will assume that I blog, and one of them will likely find my blog. So do I keep things vague so they can't find me? Or do I just write as though they are all reading it anyway? I prefer to blog more specifically about teaching because I feel like those posts are more substantial, interesting, and useful. But I will have to seriously consider the ramifications of students reading my blog (which I have blogged about before).
Diss:
Another decision I am considering is how specific to get about my dissertation. I have blogged about dissertation process but not much on content. I wonder how useful it might be to me to blog content a bit. It might really help. There is the possibility of a separate dissertation blog, but that doesn't really appeal to me. I also understand that my readers are less interested in my specific project than in broader issues that are more relevant to them. Of course there is also the danger of putting too much of my work out there for others to pillage. Whatever direction it takes, I will do more diss blogging this semester than last semester. Because I will do more diss. I must. I have to stop taking on other projects and get focused. But there is this article that I want to revise and submit for publication. I need to work on that, right?
Anonymity:
I guess this isn't really a decision to be made, but I am just not that interested in anonymity (or as I frequently and more accurately call it, semi-anonymity) anymore. I keep posting RB's real name without thinking. Of course, I've grown so fond of her abbreviation that I've started using it in emails and other shorthand away from the blog. My last name is hidden somewhere on the blog, too, so some people may have run across it. If you Google my very common real name, you won't find me. But if you run across this blog and you know me at all, you'll figure me out quickly. I have written about some very personal experiences, but I'm not a secretive or extremely private person--I have talked about all the stuff I've blogged in the hallways at school--including pregnancy and miscarriage, which I think are the most personal topics I've addressed here. I also don't rant about my friends and coworkers here because several people I know IRL read this blog and I don't think it's appropriate. What it comes down to is that I'm bored with trying to veil my identity in any way. I'm not sure that it's so important to be anonymous. Maybe I've just gotten so comfortable with blogging that it feels normal, not like some secret vice. Plus I also think it's really valuable personally and academically and I want to talk about that with people. And I can't do that if I'm trying to pretend like I don't blog.
This is an uncharacteristically long post, so in good technical writing style, I'll give you some headings so you can skip the stuff you don't want to read.
Blog slump:
I am in a blog slump and have been posting a lot more often to my family blog, which is all about pregnancy updates and pictures of RB. I have thought about ditching this blog because lately it's boring. But I'm going to chalk it up to the break and expect it to get better next week. I get all jumpy and anxious during breaks. I enjoy a little time off, but once I rest a bit, I want my routine back. Summer drives me crazy. I am so ready for classes to start because I really really love teaching and I also love to blog about teaching.
Teaching:
One decision I'm trying to make now is how specific to get about my class. I am requiring my students to blog this semester, which means that some will assume that I blog, and one of them will likely find my blog. So do I keep things vague so they can't find me? Or do I just write as though they are all reading it anyway? I prefer to blog more specifically about teaching because I feel like those posts are more substantial, interesting, and useful. But I will have to seriously consider the ramifications of students reading my blog (which I have blogged about before).
Diss:
Another decision I am considering is how specific to get about my dissertation. I have blogged about dissertation process but not much on content. I wonder how useful it might be to me to blog content a bit. It might really help. There is the possibility of a separate dissertation blog, but that doesn't really appeal to me. I also understand that my readers are less interested in my specific project than in broader issues that are more relevant to them. Of course there is also the danger of putting too much of my work out there for others to pillage. Whatever direction it takes, I will do more diss blogging this semester than last semester. Because I will do more diss. I must. I have to stop taking on other projects and get focused. But there is this article that I want to revise and submit for publication. I need to work on that, right?
Anonymity:
I guess this isn't really a decision to be made, but I am just not that interested in anonymity (or as I frequently and more accurately call it, semi-anonymity) anymore. I keep posting RB's real name without thinking. Of course, I've grown so fond of her abbreviation that I've started using it in emails and other shorthand away from the blog. My last name is hidden somewhere on the blog, too, so some people may have run across it. If you Google my very common real name, you won't find me. But if you run across this blog and you know me at all, you'll figure me out quickly. I have written about some very personal experiences, but I'm not a secretive or extremely private person--I have talked about all the stuff I've blogged in the hallways at school--including pregnancy and miscarriage, which I think are the most personal topics I've addressed here. I also don't rant about my friends and coworkers here because several people I know IRL read this blog and I don't think it's appropriate. What it comes down to is that I'm bored with trying to veil my identity in any way. I'm not sure that it's so important to be anonymous. Maybe I've just gotten so comfortable with blogging that it feels normal, not like some secret vice. Plus I also think it's really valuable personally and academically and I want to talk about that with people. And I can't do that if I'm trying to pretend like I don't blog.
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
new additions to the blog roll
We can expect to see some insightful commentary on academia, literature, parenting, and a dose of religion on Literacy-chic's new blog Words, Words.
And I have lately been following Canape's story on Don't Take the Repeats as she copes with a recent miscarriage. As the due date of my second pregnancy passed this Christmas, I've been reflecting on my own experience. Canape's words are honest and often painful but also beautiful. Sometimes what helps the most is connecting with someone who really understands how you feel.
And I have lately been following Canape's story on Don't Take the Repeats as she copes with a recent miscarriage. As the due date of my second pregnancy passed this Christmas, I've been reflecting on my own experience. Canape's words are honest and often painful but also beautiful. Sometimes what helps the most is connecting with someone who really understands how you feel.
the tomboy and the princess
My mother has decided that RB will be my "tomboy" while AB (who is still in utero) will be my "princess." I don't know how she has come to these conclusions or why there necessarily has to be the dichotomy of tomboy and princess, but there it is.
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
Ahh...the routine
Finally I can get back to something of a routine. RB is back in school and I am back at work (at home but at work). I actually went to the library yesterday and picked up an armload of books that I plan to plow through this week. One of them is titled All Out of Faith: Southern Women on Spirituality, and it has essays by Dorothy Allison, Sue Monk Kidd, and Barbara Kingsolver, among others. I think I'll start there. I am completely impressed by Allison and moreso by Kingsolver, but the jury is still out on Kidd. I haven't decided what I think of her yet or if she warrants a place in my dissertation. I may purchase this book for myself. You see, I have $1000 with which to purchase research materials and I have left it just sitting there since August. Why? I don't know--I just can't seem to get my act together. It seems like the promise of a pile of shiny new books would motivate me to get something done, but no.
So this week, it is on to the library books, and next week hopefully I'll take care of whatever it is I need to do to buy my new books. I also need to build my class in Moodle (our online course management program) and get that ready for next Wednesday, first day of class. Semester has started. Get off your butt, Sarah.
P.S. I had another quick ultrasound yesterday and saw Little Bit's face. She looks like a baby :) I also bought one of these because apparently after the first baby, the belly gets harder to support on its own. My hips hurt a lot, and the doc says this might help. But she also said there's nothing I can really do about it. It's okay. I resigned myself to just feeling bad throughout the whole pregnancy. I remember enjoying my first pregnancy, but maybe I'm just imagining that.
So this week, it is on to the library books, and next week hopefully I'll take care of whatever it is I need to do to buy my new books. I also need to build my class in Moodle (our online course management program) and get that ready for next Wednesday, first day of class. Semester has started. Get off your butt, Sarah.
P.S. I had another quick ultrasound yesterday and saw Little Bit's face. She looks like a baby :) I also bought one of these because apparently after the first baby, the belly gets harder to support on its own. My hips hurt a lot, and the doc says this might help. But she also said there's nothing I can really do about it. It's okay. I resigned myself to just feeling bad throughout the whole pregnancy. I remember enjoying my first pregnancy, but maybe I'm just imagining that.
Friday, January 05, 2007
Braxton Hicks...ugh
Can I complain for a minute? I started having BH contractions at about 20 weeks. Much earlier than my first pregnancy (this one has been more difficult in pretty much every way). They really hurt. I've given birth and felt the "real thing," so I'm under no delusions that this feels like labor. But these contractions hurt and I have them every day and it pretty much sucks. That's all.
Thursday, January 04, 2007
Some people (not I) went to MLA
I have never gone to MLA, but I still feel anxiety when it rolls around, knowing my time will come soon (next year? maybe). I usually look forward to conferences, but this one scares the hell out of me, mostly because it is so closely tied to job hunting. So I've been reading a few posts about others' trips.
Everyone should read Dr. Crazy's post about networking. Seriously. Go read it.
Laura and Lillian also reflect on their MLA experiences, addressing some of the anxiety attached to this particular conference. And before MLA Lillian posted her thoughts on conferences in general.
And speaking of job hunt and paralyzing anxiety, Leslie posts about "what happens when your calling no longer calls you."
Everyone should read Dr. Crazy's post about networking. Seriously. Go read it.
Laura and Lillian also reflect on their MLA experiences, addressing some of the anxiety attached to this particular conference. And before MLA Lillian posted her thoughts on conferences in general.
And speaking of job hunt and paralyzing anxiety, Leslie posts about "what happens when your calling no longer calls you."
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
Recording session
In an effort to do something that resembles work, I tried out the free audio editor I downloaded to make podcasts for my online class. Not to be excluded, Rebekah jumped in my lap, and she had a recording session. If you read my family blog, you've gotten the extended version, but here's a bit for you all. She sang several songs, but the big laugh is my favorite.
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