No baby yet. Still holding.
Yesterday I took RB with me to my doctor's appointment and she thought it was really exciting. She talked to the doctor the whole time we were there, telling her all about her baby sister and what she was like when she was a baby and asking her what she was doing to Mommy. She has been telling us all about what she "remembers" about being a baby. After that we went to the hospital for a special sibling tour, which included about fifteen three-year-olds and their pregnant mothers. Quite an experience! But it was surprisingly hard for me. I fought tears the whole time, and I feel like crying again thinking about it. It's hard for me to think of RB as a big sister. I'm not worried about my ability to care for the baby. I am concerned about RB and how she will feel. I don't want her to feel displaced or less important. But also it's hard to see how mature and independent she is, a feeling that is intensified by the fact that her days as the baby of the house are almost over. As she has grown up, I have not missed the stage that passed. I've never looked back at her days as an infant wistfully because the toddler stages have been so exciting and, for me, much more fun. But now that there will be a new baby and RB is taking on the role of big sister, I do feel some sadness and anxiety over her growing up.
One thing I have thought about since she was a baby was how I would care for a second baby--I realized right away that it would have to be different. There have been so many times when RB and I have been the only people in the whole world, snuggled up together, sometimes all day long when she was small enough to stay in one place for more than ten minutes. Back then my worry was how I would care for the baby; I knew that I couldn't just rely on how my experience with RB but that I would have to learn a whole new way of parenting for that child. Even though that is still true, I'm not worried about it. I'm confident that I will do just fine with the baby. I worry about how I will have to change the way I care for RB. I know I will take care of her and give her attention and show her plenty of love, but it will have to be different in some ways.
And I'm extremely pregnant and hormonal, so I'll spend the day crying over it now.
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10 comments:
Aww..my sister had a tough time dealing with this same issue. It works itself out and those big sisters become a huge help with new baby. They grow up fast, but sometimes with a new sibling they kind of revert back to baby stages.
My sister cried all day to so maybe you just need a good cry. Let it all out and you'll feel better. Praying for you! RB will be a good little mommy's helper!
This is so exciting. You'll do great. RB will do fine. Life goes on, we change, and learn, and grow. That's the excitement of it.
It's hard for me to think of RB as a big sister. I'm not worried about my ability to care for the baby. I am concerned about RB and how she will feel.
I soooo understand this!! When my second was born, my first had been ready for years for a new sibling--he was starting to think he'd never get one. But this time!! My baby isn't even going to realize there's a baby coming until it's too late! The guilt!! And my baby is still breastfeeding, too! She's either going to take seconds after the baby nurses or feel really displaced!! I worry about this a lot, but I've got many, many months ahead. If anything, it may have made me closer and more affectionate with my HD. I almost feel like I'll be inclined to favor HD over the new one so that she feels secure.
I think the very fact of RB's maturity and understanding will be an immeasurable help in the whole process. She's such a big girl!! I know, that's part of the realization. I guess it's a more sudden transition than just watching them grow up slowly. But things will work out for you--I just know it! With such a bright & caring little girl, the fact that she was the such an important part of her Mommy's world will make her better able to love and share with a new sibling! Take care, L-C
I can't speak from the perspective of a parent, but I can speak from the perspective of an oldest sibling. I was about RB's age when my brother entered the world. Mom bought me a special doll that I bathed, dressed, and cared for alongside my mom caring for my lil bro. I didn't respond jealously and am very close to my brother - and to my parents. My mom always tried to make time for just me and would occasionally take me out for a special lunch or activity - just the two of us. But more importantly, she emphasized family time with all of us which kept everyone close.
I can't argue against hormones, but just know that while the dynamics of your relationship with RB might change, it won't be changing for the worst. Think of how fun it will be to do things with your girls and to watch them grow together.
It's actually kind of beautiful to see how big siblings take on that role. Squiss spent a good couple of months before and after Tricksy's birth (when she was just shy of three) organizing the world in terms of sibling relationships: she needed to know what everyone's birth order position was. We were also able to turn it into a special bond, since I'm an older sister, as well. Now, when the two of us have outings together without Tricksy, it's "just the big sisters."
I had a lot of mixed feelings on both sides: I felt loss for Squiss, having to learn to share parental love; and I felt loss for Tricksy, never having un-shared parental love. But there's such a bonus for them both: Squiss is so proud and delighted at how Tricksy lights up when she sees her, and Tricksy just gets stars in her eyes whenever Squiss walks into the room.
That said, when Tricksy was about a month old, Squiss told me about how she had to nurse her own "daughter": "she eats ALL THE TIME."
Well, yes.
Oh, I felt exactly the same way about Kelvin when I was expecting Linton. I was still breastfeeding him once a day and I worried how that would go after the baby was born (it was fine, he helped me with engorgement and then went back to once a day pretty quickly), I worried about him feeling displaced, I just felt so sorry for him...
And it's not easy, I tell you. They "grow up" all of a sudden because newborns are so tiny. It's like Honey I blew up the kid, almost scary (at least I felt it was scary). They are still very small, but compared to the baby, they seem big.
Anecdotal evidence from friends and family suggests that the transition is a bit easier for girls, since they generally love babies are are very protective of their brothers or sisters. Let us know how it goes!
well, I'm thinking of you and hoping it'll all go really well and that RB will be delighted to meet her sister.
I am struggling with this too. My daughter Mili will just turn two before the baby is born. She loves babies so I am hoping that will help but I too have those flashbacks (this week since she has been sick) about holding her and no one else matters. When my mind wonders into this state I try to remember that adults who have sibilings are not scared for life. It is hard to think of it that way but we are ultimately raising responsible, God fearing adults.
I do feel your pain and I can too feel the hormonal cry coming on. It is okay you are entitled.
It will all work out.
I can remember feeling this way right before my second child was born -- I'd wake up and think about it in the middle of the night and cry.
But now my daughter so loves her brothers -- she is so close to them -- that I just can't imagine what would have happened if she were an only child.
Thank you for all the supportive comments. I know RB and AB will love each other and that everything will work out. These are just some growing pains--passing from one stage of life to another is stressful. And so is being nine months pregnant--hopefully I will get to see RB as big sister sooner than later.
There is many people who is suffering of this sort of anxiety illness. Blissfully I see you are doing a great role overcoming your situation.
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