Today is good

Today I submitted my final grades for the summer, and I got a phone call that cable internet is coming THIS WEEK! Woo-hoo! And I saw a baby who is very cute and little (and his lovely and brilliant mother, of course).

And Jeanette has been so pleased with her discovery of Google Reader that I thought I should share it with more of you who might not know its beauty. And since I no longer get the glorious time-sucking, brain-rotting channels VH1 and E!, I subscribed to this blog. I have about thirty NPR feeds in there, so I feel justified. Don't judge me.

Female characters in children's programs

The big news lately is that Sesame Street has introduced its first female leading character. The controversy is that she is very "girly"--a pink and sparkly fairy princess. What I haven't heard discussed is how ridiculous it is that this is Sesame Street's first female leading character.
Here are a couple of short NPR stories on Abby Cadabby:
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=5641456
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=5638389
The person interviewed in the first story comments on the controversy over the "girly-girl" character, say that "Creating characters for girls is the 'challenge of trying to write so that they're reflective of girls and their character, but also are strong and smart and funny.'" This bothered me tremendously because, while I am not a creator of children's programming, I believe that if anyone created a character reflective of my daughter and her character, it would, by definition, be strong and smart and funny.

The lack of female characters in general, especially those in leading roles--whether they are "girly" or not (if you haven't guessed, I am increasingly annoyed by that word)--has bothered me for some time and even more lately. At RB's age she is just beginning to construct a gender identity--she described herself to me as a girl for the first time last week, in the context of trying to get everyone in their proper categories--Mommy and RB are girls and Daddy is a boy. She's learning right now what it means to be a girl. And in the majority of children's books and television shows, what she is being shown is that male is the default gender. The lead characters in children's books and shows are almost always male, and if the lead is female, it is packaged as a "girl's" product, not one that might appeal to all children. I had read about this issue long before I had a child, but I have still been surprised as I have been exploring it myself.

In addition to the lack of female characters in general, so many of the most popular and beloved Disney films are based on an inherently sexist marriage plot. And I don't mean just the ubiquitous princesses, whom I have not yet allowed to infiltrate my home--Lady and the Tramp, The Aristocats, many adorable little animals engaged in the same process as Cinderella and The Little Mermaid.

I am not rejecting these images wholly. In fact, I see an advantage to watching these programs with her, allowing her to enjoy them, but also using them as a vehicle to provide the language to ask important questions and challenge limiting stereotypes as she learns how to be a girl. But I want to balance these with positive images of active girl and boy characters so that she does not, at this crucial stage in her development, learn that male is the right gender and that boys are somehow more active, more powerful, more human, than she is.

I think that Disney's Jo-Jo's Circus, starring a girl clown but not a "girl's show," does a good job with this, and I also appreciate Little Einsteins. A couple of times Little Einsteins has referred to the white male child as the "leader," and he pilots the rocket, but in most of the episodes, I see none of them standing out as in-charge. The team of two boys and two girls work together equally, which is important because RB has already begun to identify herself with the girl characters, especially the blonde girl, Annie, who looks the most like her. Of course, I have yet to see them feature any female artists or composers in their episodes, but RB is too young to realize that.

electronic grademarking

I'm using a new feature on Turnitin.com, with great success as far as I can see. I plan to ask some students how they feel about it after official grades are turned in. I'm very into paperless classes, and this service has contributed to that goal (although as much as I may try to have a paperless class, my students still print out the electronic materials I provide them--oh, well.)

For those unfamiliar with Turnitin.com, its primary function is plagiarism prevention. Students upload papers and the program checks them against the Internet, all papers previously submitted, and ProQuest. I've found it's mainly a plagiarism deterrent. But that's not the reason I use it. It has a gradebook feature that allows students to check their grades as the semester goes on, and I don't have to come up with any spreadsheet formulas. But it is smart to download the gradebook every time changes are made for a backup.

So what I'm excited about now is electronic grademarking. I had not tried it until this week because I was unconvinced that I could mark papers as efficiently and communicate what I wanted to show electronically. Turns out, I'm getting through my papers faster than with pen and paper grading! And I am totally comfortable with the marks I have made--the program gives a lot of options. The extra convenience is that students were required to submit them electronically and they do not have to meet me in class--especially nice since I have moved a half hour away from campus. I know that email is effective for that purpose, but this way not only do they give me their papers, but they also get them back right away with my marks.

Downside: Now that I live in the boondocks (again) I only have dial-up internet, and it is taking a while to download papers. And while I'm at the task of reviewing on-line services, I officially do not like Earthlink. And the "accelerator" they're so proud of is laughable. I've been promised cable internet by mid-September. Monday I'm going to school early to turn in grades and will stay for a while to do some blogging and relish the high speed connection. Now to upload my post, which will take three hours.

P.S. The blogger spellcheck does not recognize "blogging" as a word.

still grading

still grading, still grading . . . but there are posts simmering on the back burners.

yet another blog

The blog trend is exploding in my general vicinity. I know that the witty and brilliant Etta Candy at Arrogant Self-Reliance will have much to offer us.

another new blog in town

The team at The Rhetorical Situation promises to provide lots of interesting and frequently amusing critiques of the rhetoric that surrounds us. And with a new dad and two about-to-be-dads on the team, they are joining the populous ranks of the blogging academic parents. Welcome!

Wikiality

Last week one of Stephen Colbert's words was "Wikiality." Freakin' hilarious. I wanted to put the video on my blog and don't know how, but here's the link the "The Word" page so you can click on "Wikiality" and watch it.

The reason to bring this up, besides just sharing my great enjoyment with you all, is that I'd like to use it next semester for my online tech writing class. I am actually fond of Wikipedia and find it useful, but Colbert's piece is an entertaining way to remind student of the limitations of--or the lack of limitations on--Wikipedia as a reference. But I don't know what the rules are--I'm sure that I can download this for free at some site, but I don't know what that site is or if it is legal. I know there are official people in my department who can answer that question for me but, as I mentioned, I am grading grading grading grading and only have time to let my question loose on the blogosphere. I will follow proper channels later.

So, there's Stephen Colbert for your viewing pleasure, anyway. (He's no John Stewart, but he'll do in a pinch.)

grading

grading grading grading grading. Sigh.

On the big news

After being an emotional basketcase last week and throwing myself a nice little pity party, I decided that I was, after all, pregnant. I had my husband pick up a test and bring one home, and the result was negative. He asked, "Why did you think you were pregnant?" My answer: "Because I am." Next morning, I took the second test in the box and it was indeed positive.

I actually did not think that it was possible to be pregnant yet because I thought I had missed the magic window in the midst of the move and house guests and generally just not having any sex (TMI? Sorry). But apparently my window appears earlier than most women's--like on day 10 or 11 on a regular 31-day cycle. That's what happened last time.

So, anyway, I'm not shouting anything from the rooftops. I'm really not very excited. I'm not keeping it a guarded secret (obviously) but I'm also just not interested in talking about it (writing about it is a different thing). This is exactly what I wanted, and I am glad, but not excited--pretty stoic, actually. I am not prepared to emotionally commit to this pregnancy yet. I don't think that waiting longer would have helped--I think that I would have felt this way had I gotten pregnant six months from now. The best way I think I can describe it is that this feels like a pregnancy rather than a future baby. Does that make sense?

I have an ultrasound in three weeks--pretty early--to check things out and make sure it all looks good. Maybe that will help, but I am not certain. Because last time I had an ultrasound, saw a heartbeat, everything looked great, doc gave me a thumbs-up, and then it was over. So ultrasound is a little less convincing to me now.

You know what would make me feel better? Vomiting. Seriously. If I could get some crazy bad morning sickness, I would then be convinced that things are moving along nicely. (You have my permission to remind me of that when I am complaining about the crazy bad morning sickness.)

Having said all that, some baby-related thoughts have been creeping in despite the walls I have built. Yesterday I found myself wondering if I would go to hell if I named a girl Annabelle Leigh (not a Poe fanatic, just think it's pretty--but it would definitely make her popular among the dark and brooding teenage boys).

Well, no wonder I feel so bad

Some new kids on the block

Here is a new dissertating-while-gestating grad student.

And this is my brother.

budding genius

I swear I did not pose this picture--just recorded it for posterity.

dissertation anxiety

The other issue that is bothering me--in addition to this--is that I have no confidence in my dissertation. I have an amazing topic that is very important to me and is pretty hot right now, and I know that this project has the potential to be great. But I do not have confidence in my ability to accomplish it. This is an unfamiliar feeling to me. Even setting out on a difficult and daunting project, I always know that in the end I will have done it and done it well. I can't say that about my diss. I know the questions that I need to ask, but I am really not certain that I am going to be able to answer them in any useful way. There are easier topics I could have chosen--topics that would make a good dissertation, even. But I can't turn my back on this one. At the same time, I don't know if I can do it. I have got to convince myself that is it possible very soon.

I've had a rough year

Nothing exceptionally terrible has happened--unless you count the miscarriage--but I have felt generally off for the past year. I have had several major external stressors, but I think a lot of it comes down to just not feeling right in my own skin. I was depressed last fall after RB weaned and I went to counseling for a while, which helped. My hormones changed because I stopped nursing and I also had to change birth control pills, which made things so much worse that I just stopped taking them altogether. I got pregnant (on purpose--not because I quit the pills) in March and then miscarried at the end of May, and that has been another hormonal upheaval. In the process I have gained 15 pounds. That's a lot of pounds in a short time. My body has been in so many different shapes since October 2003--I got pregnant, and then had a baby, lost all the baby weight, breastfed, stopped breastfeeding, got pregnant, got not-pregnant, and generally ate too much because I have generally felt like crap for a year. And I look like hell. Or at least like some other person that I don't recognize as myself. My weight has plateued--I'm not gaining anymore--but I have not been able to stick to a change in eating habits and activity that would allow me to get back to my normal weight. I just feel bad.

first day of school

RB started at her new school today. I've been making myself sick over it but it went quite smoothly. She hugged me and her Daddy and then took a teacher's hand and happily walked off with her. Last week we brought her for a visit so that she wouldn't be afraid of a place she'd never seen before. It seemed to have an added benefit--she had so much fun playing there that she was excited to go back today. I am relieved because she actually told me early last week that she did not want to go to a new school and did not want to make new friends--a surprising declaration from a two-year-old! That has changed now, as she has seen that her new school is a nice place to be. But I'm still thinking of it obsessively and will probably rush home to see her as soon as my class is over.

On a side note, I had an another interesting Google referral this weekend: "blog of a full time phd mother to a toddler." Guess what--You found me!

big and little

For two weeks, RB has been categorizing everything that she sees by size. I think that she has suddenly grasped the concept of opposites and of "big" and "little" and she is obsessed with it! The best thing that can happen in her day is to run across similar objects of different sizes--she literally yells, "Look, Mommy! Big chair! Little chair!"

I love how excited she gets when she learns something. The first color she knew was purple and for weeks she would seek out purple things and bring them to me. She wasn't even interested in other colors, just piling up purple things. Now that she knows her colors, she is on to size. She was stuck on numbers for a while, counting everything she saw, but I don't think that she understands the real concept of counting. Her little obsessions are funny. Come to think of it, though, I'm sort of like that, too.

Google referrals

You know what Google search has been bringing people a lot lately? "not smart enough"
Wierd. I wonder what's going on with that. What are you looking for?

And another question: Who is from Snook?

First "real" publication

Good news--a proposal I wrote has been accepted for an essay collection. I've had publications in a small in-house journal at my Masters institution, but this is will be my first "real" publication. It's not a journal, but, hey, it's something. And now I have to write the essay. It's not related to my dissertation but on an author of interest to me (not Flannery), and I have written an essay on this book before. So I'm not starting from nothing, but it will have to be a whole new essay. I felt really good about the proposal, though, and I'm excited. I am concerned about the distraction from my dissertation--I have already committed to a different project to complete my women's studies certificate and for which I recieved a small fellowship (yea!). That project is directly related to my diss, so that helps. There is a good chance that these extra projects will help keep me motivated toward my dissertation. I will have a sense of accomplisment as I complete projects, and I will also have to make an effort to make time for my diss work--I tend to be more efficient when I have more things to juggle.

There is one thing that worries me. My advisor and I have agreed (I think) that I should not try to rush into getting a diss proposal officially approved yet and to start writing as a way of coming to those ideas. Which is great for the way I work. But I want to apply for a fellowship this fall and I need a good proposal for that. So I really do want to push to get something out even though I would prefer to put it aside for a while. I am worried that I will not have the proposal I want to have by the time I need it. Then again, I could apply for the fellowship next year--but that implies that I will be working on my diss for three years. But let's face it. I will be. Might as well accept that now.

The Crazy Bear It Away

I'm on a teaching high! Today we wrapped up O'Connor's novel The Violent Bear It Away, and I've been pondering the class discussion for the past hour. Most students were actively engaged with the religious dimension of the novel and we had a great discussion about free will and determinism and theology and prophets and Satan. Great stuff. And some students, as usual, are resisting the religious interpretations of the novel, offering alternative interpretations--mostly psychological. This is something that has been going on and that I have encouraged throughout the class, considering O'Connor's essays in which she makes claims about the meaning of her fiction and then questioning whether the meaning is inherent or whether it is conditioned by O'Connor herself. Is it there because she says it's there? Or could it be something else altogether? And what is the point of the novel if they're all just crazy?

Interestingly, O'Connor's letters predict specific "misinterpretations" of her works, and those are the precise interpretations that my students have offered. They are getting it wrong in just the right ways! I have drawn their attention to those letters and reaction has been mixed. But the ones who are seeking non-religious interpretations are sticking to their guns. While some students play "Find the action of Grace" others play "Find the meaning that does not include Jesus." Which is great--I am not resisting that, and such questions are quite relevant to the state of O'Connor scholarship.

So here's what I'm left to ponder: How are these students so confident in non-religious interpretation when the central action of the novel is a baptism and every other word is Jesus, God, Lord, Almighty, Holy Ghost, devil, prophet. It seems that it takes a concerted effort to ignore those words. And if Christian mystery is not central to the meaning, what does it all mean? This is just a particular brand of crazy?

The resistance to religious interpretation up until now--when all we had read were the short stories in A Good Man Is Hard to Find--has been unremarkable because frequently Biblical allusions can be easily overlooked and references to Christ can be attributed to Southern manners. But not in this novel. It is a big job to intentionally avoid religion when the protagonist is called as a prophet and Satan shows up as a character.

on trying again

As I said in the previous post, the way I think about pregnancy is changed.

I was frustrated during the six-week holding period when I was advised not to attempt to concieve yet--like I was holding my breath for all that time. But that time was necessary for an emotional healing process. I mentioned that I was angry in the first few weeks and wanted to be pregnant again very badly. After a little time, I no longer feel like being pregnant again will make it all better--I no longer feel the need for the band-aid on the wound because I have healed since then. At this point, I do want to get pregnant, but I feel like it's okay if I do and it's okay if I don't. I actually have no interest in ovulation testing and charting and temping and all that stuff. When I got pregnant, I had a false sense of control because I had selected the due date for myself and, with the aid of an ovulation test kit, successfully got pregnant at the right time on the first try (again). Look how smug I am. But then it was over and all illusions of control vanished. (Very Flannery O'Connor, right?) So now I am ready to concieve again but not ready to set myself up for the emotional roller coaster of am I? or am I not? My husband also said to me that he doesn't want any testing or charting or planning. Just going about our lives and taking what we get. I think that those attitudes will change after a few months, at least mine will, but I like where we are now--not anxious to make something happen but open to it if it does.

But I have lost something important.

When I got pregnant, I was elated. When I was pregnant with RB, I was so afraid--I read obsessively, agonized over everything I felt and ate and heard. I would have invented things to worry about but What to Expect When You're Expecting took care of all of that for me (BTW, don't buy that book--really, don't buy it). And childbirth? How scary is that?! And what do you even do with a baby once it gets here--besides dress it up? But the second time, no fear. I was so confident! I had no desire to read a book or a baby magazine or pregnancy websites. I knew that I could handle childbirth--as long as there is an epidural in reach, I've got that covered! And I have been successful with RB, so I know I can get a baby from birth to two years, anyway. That's gone now. I know that if I get pregnant again, I will be anxious and afraid again. I'll over-worry and over-analyze. The immediate euphoria will be replaced with cautious optimism. Maybe that feeling will fade as the pregnancy advances. Who knows?