Okay--so here's the post that's been simmering for a while.I was talking with a friend recently who is considering trying to have a child, and she made the comment, which I have heard and said before, that she was worried about "breaking it" to her committee. Like it's bad news. I'm going to make a huge generalization and say that this is the general feeling of grad student moms and maybe career moms in general. Even when the mom is happy and the pregnancy is planned, there is a fear of breaking the news to professors, administrators, and especially committee members. What's this all about?
I can just speak from my own experience and why I hesitated to tell professors and even other students that I was pregnant--so long, in fact, that most of my teachers actually asked me before I told them (at which point I was tempted to say, "no, just going a little heavy on the french fries"). I was worried not that I would not be able to handle my responsibilities and stay "on-track" (that was a completely separate worry) but that I would not be taken seriously as a student and scholar. I was wearing my outside obligations and commitments right on my belly. No one has ever treated me badly or dismissed me in an overt way, and my advisor has been particularly supportive, telling me about his own experience having two kids while in grad school. So I wonder if these concerns are based on my own insecurities or if there have been subtle messages from members of the department that have made me feel this way.
So these concerns lead to the topic of pressure to perform. Because I feel insecure about being taken seriously, I feel an intense need to prove myself, to be super student, super scholar, and super mom. And every time someone compliments me on managing all of these responsibilties well, I feel torn between feeling satisfied with doing my job well and feeling intensified pressure to perform well and never break a sweat (if anyone is looking, that is). My advisor has called me "remarkably efficient," which is a wonderful, gratifying, and validating compliment, but one that I feel as if I have to live up to or I will let him down. I know that he would feel awful to think that he caused any stress because he has been exceptionally supportive, so why do I feel this pressure? Do men feel this pressure, too?
As much as I know that I am generating a lot of these anxieties myself, the reality is that even if the culture of my department is supportive to families, the larger culture does not take mothers as seriously as career women who have no children (see the post titled "substantial post coming soon" for links on the Mommy track).
And a funny thing is happening in my department--lots of students are having babies, getting pregnant, trying to get pregnant, and so there is about to be a whole lot of big bellies and little babies around here. Does that decrease the problem or does it intensify prejudice against those in the "Mommy club"?
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1 comment:
Here's hoping it decreases the problem!
I think the problem is wider than academia and the perception of mothers as somehow less than ideal employees/students/whatever permeates the work world in general. It's a large problem that won't change until working mothers are seen as valuable assets rather than potential detriments (due to needing time off for maternity leave, etc) to the work place.
And the desire to continue to impress one's advisor is normal for students without children too. There's certainly a lot of pressure to perform in graduate school. I appreciate my advisor's compliments too but always feel like I have to do better next time. Furthermore, I think we feel like we have to justify ourselves whenever we choose to do something un-academic - be it simply going to the movies or spending much needed time with our family.
As the friend you talked with yesterday - I really appreciated your feedback : ). Thank you!
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