a new blog

Hello, Faithful Subscribers. I am starting a new blog about teaching writing with web technology. If any of you guys are into that, it's here:

http://blogs.tamu.edu/slpeters/

blog is done

I think I'm finished with this blog. Not blogging in general, but this one specifically. I'm not going to delete it because I really do like it and want it to stay around for awhile. It just doesn't fit anymore. I'll let you know if I start a new one. Meanwhile, if you've stuck around this long, I invite you to my family blog--sorry! You missed it!--Save it because I'll take it down in a few days. It's not very confessional and is warm and fuzzy and happy, almost without exception, but if you like kid stories and pictures, you'll like it. But I haven't posted new pics lately because all fifty of my USB cables are packed away in a mystery box.

I think I know what to do

My three commenters had wise words, and after considering my work habits and how much time teaching actually takes up, I have come up with a third alternative. I will teach again in the spring (and hold my breath for this advanced comp class again because it means small class size and only meeting on campus once a week, plus it's fun) and I will take the whole summer off. Teaching summer school really does suck up all my time, so if I take the summer off and I can use the fellowship to help with bills and pay for daycare. I'm more likely to benefit from that extra time than I am from the extra hours I would get if I didn't teach in the regular semester.

I am also happy to report that I have found a work space that is working out better than home--a local community college. I don't have the benefit of an office, but there are plenty of public spaces here where I can work. It's a lot closer than my university and it's much less distracting than home. I've been pretty productive since I started coming here. Working from home just does not work for me.

four things meme

Supadiscomama tagged me.

4 jobs I've had in life:
-choreographer for high school flag line (professional band nerd)
-sales associate for home interiors store
-really awful job at a family-owned diner
-proofreader for a man's Vietnam memoir

4 places I've lived:
-Hooks, Texas
-Arkadelphia, Arkansas
-My mother-in-law's house for six long weeks
-a too-small condo on the 18th hole of a golf course waiting for my house to be done

4 favorite foods:
-Mexican food--doesn't even have to be good Mexican food--I love Taco Bell
-hamburgers
-thin crust pizza with light cheese, extra sauce, pepperoni and jalapeno peppers
-anything with artichoke hearts--or just artichoke hearts right out of the jar

4 places I'd rather be:
-in my house
-Europe
-in bed asleep
-having lunch with my husband

4 movies I can watch over and over (difficult b/c there are lots):
-Ferris Bueller's Day Off
-Hairspray (the original)
-A Pyromaniac's Love Story
-Casablanca

4 t.v. shows I like to watch:
-The Daily Show
-Scrubs
-Ace of Cakes
-Heroes

4 websites I view daily:
-The Weather Channel
-Google homepage
-my class's Moodle page
I really don't need anything more because the Google page does it for me--my favorite parts of it are the Google Reader and wikiHow

4 computers I've owned:
-hand-me-down IBM Aptiva when I was about 12 years old--I told my students that I had AOL when you had to pay by the minute and they were shocked that such a state ever existed
-a couple of different HP Pavilions
-Dell something-or-other--my first plat panel monitor
-Tablet PC--I insisted that I needed this and convinced my dad to trade my HP laptop for his tablet because he never used the tablet functions--guess what--I never use the tablet functions, either

4 people to tag:
I know so many people have already had this, so I apologize if this is a repeat
-LeLe at The Kings' English
-Alice at Alice's Air (she probably won't get to it because she's busy with a new little baby and big sister, but you should go click on her anyway and look at the baby pictures)
-Sooz at H-Squared
Okay--that's just three but I need to work now :)

what to do with the fellowship

I've got a nice fellowship this year and I am not sure what to do with it at this point. I could always use more money to live on. Both girls are in daycare now, and it costs a lot. A whole lot. It would actually eat up the whole fellowship by itself. I saw my adviser yesterday and he said that he thinks I should take next semester off from teaching to take full advantage of the extra money. That would actually mean taking a student loan to pay for daycare, which is the way we would have to finance it if I didn't have the fellowship. And next year when I am hopefully wrapping things up and don't have that extra money, I will probably use loan money for daycare. So what should I do? Teaching obviously takes time away from dissertating, and I am behind where I wanted to be at this point. Having babies interrupts things and also makes for good excuses when I don't get things done. The fellowship is intended to facilitate the completion of my dissertation, and giving up my teaching for a semester would allow me to commit more fully to writing. But it can also be argued that reliable childcare does the same thing. I feel like that is a responsible use of that money. So I guess what it comes down to is a choice between time and money. In the end I know I could finish my diss sooner with that extra time, but in the big picture of the academic calendar, I'm not sure that it would equal graduating or getting a job sooner. Anyone else grappled with this decision?

the fate of the blog is uncertain

I'm not sure where the blog is going. It is possible that it has run its course, and a new incarnation may be necessary. It's also possible that I may stop blogging for a while. It's hard to explain. I somehow feel like this blog doesn't fit quite right anymore. I'm going to try a new post and see how that goes.

misplaced

That's what I am now. Don't try to find me. I can't even find myself. But I am in a better mood. And back on the blog.

School has started and moving has interrupted my normal preparations, so I must now crawl into Moodle and not come out for several hours.

Checking out

I'm checking out of the blog world for a while. Lots of things suck right now, and I don't want this to just be a whiny blog, especially since I don't think whining about it will make me feel better. I'll probably be back after fall semester starts.

update

Blogging continues to be sparse because I just have too many things happening right now. School starts in a month, and there are lots of things that need to be tied up by then or it's going to get really hard. I am doing no dissertation work. I'm just taking care of the kids and trying to pack up the house for our move. But our house is not done because the rain is incessant. So even though we've gotten an extension on our rent house for a few weeks, we still face the possibility of homelessness. And homelessness is going to be much more difficult to manage once the fall semester starts. The good news is, my husband's new job is working out well. The hours are still long and irregular, and he's driving an hour one way to get there, but he's around much more than he was before. Which is good for me and good for the kids and very good for our marriage. And he's happier, so it's good for him, too. And now Baby Belle is crying so blog post is over.

Belle is in my lap now so blog post continues. I've been depressed lately and I've attributed it to a lot of things--I'm certainly stressed out and still dealing with postpartum hormones. But another thing is contributing to the problem. My hands and wrists hurt all the time. It never stops hurting. This has been going on for a long time, and it got worse when I was pregnant. I read about pregnant women having carpal tunnel syndrome and that it should get better after the baby is born, but it hasn't gotten better. I have decided that this is a serious problem and I need medical attention. But I don't know when or where to get it. I have no primary physician right now, and I am trying to move to a new city and at the same time change insurance providers. I keep putting it off because the pain is manageable, but now I'm starting to wonder if I might be making the problem worse by waiting. I haven't decided what to do. Anyone had experience with hand pain?

more on class message boards

Following up to this post:

Sleepycat asked if I get a lot of discussion on the boards when I ask them to discuss readings. It varies a lot with the readings; if they are especially compelling or provocative or if students are already invested in the topic, then there is usually some discussion. Other times, students seem to write their own posts and throw them up on the message boards without much effort to engage others. If they read the other posts, I can't tell because they are more concerned with just fulfilling their own assignment than with participating in a discussion. I think that's okay sometimes. The discussion prompt requires them to do some analysis and select a specific example, so they have still done some work in careful reading and critical thinking. Sometimes I let it rest at that. If I feel like the discussion has potential to be more useful and productive, I will sometimes forgo a new discussion and direct them back to the last discussion, which forces them to respond to their fellow students' ideas. That works well for that specific assignment, and it also encourages them to initiate discussions in the future. It takes some prodding, but usually not too much.

Literacy-chic asked how I give them instructions. In the hybrid class, I give some general instructions on the syllabus, and I also give oral instructions on the first day of class as a sort of introduction to how we'll use the message boards. Then I give them written instructions online for every single discussion. I remind them frequently that they should engage other students and that they must give specific examples, sometimes requiring quotes. I repeat myself A LOT, but many students have trouble following directions because they rely too much on their memory of what the assignment is rather than going back to the instructions and checking them. I don't talk about it in class meetings much because I want them to learn to take responsibility for reading and following instructions themselves, but I do give them lots of written reminders online. Giving instructions for each individual discussion also allows the assignment to "evolve" over the semester, as L-C mentioned in her comment. As long as the instructions are there for that specific discussion, the students can be expected to understand what is required of them, even if it is somewhat different from other discussions earlier in the semester.

I start every discussion with my own opening post. Here's one from this summer that went well:

In Lucy Grealy's essay "Masks," she comments, "My sister and her friends never had to worry about their appearance, or so it seemed to me, so why didn't they always feel as bold and happy as I felt that night?" (p. 43)

In your first paper, you will use an extended example of something that happened in your own life to comment on larger issues of identity and community, so you will need to make your experience relevant to others. With the statement above, Grealy shows how her unique situation created feelings that were relevant to people who did not have the same exceptional circumstances. People who have no facial deformity can still relate to her story on some level.

How do the authors of the essays you have read in chapters 1 and 2 of your textbook connect their particular topics to a larger audience? It may not be as explicit as Grealy's statement--it might be implied. Do you relate to the essays in any way? How and why? Choose one example to discuss in this forum. You may comment on the same essays--even the same specific passages--as other students have as long as you add to the discussion and don't just repeat what someone else has already said.

For this assignment I gave them an example to model what kind of responses I wanted, and I also told them how this discussion and the readings were relevant to the writing assignment they were working on and to their larger writing concerns. I think that students often feel that readings in a writing class are unnecessary extra work, so I try to help them understand why reading helps you become a better writer. I know they won't always get it, but I hope some do.

I'll get back to this topic later and address working in groups. Please keep commenting--I love exchanging teaching ideas.

The Singing Bee

is the best game show ever.

communication in online classes

Warning--this is way too long. To summarize: I am thinking about how I might modify the way I use message boards in my hybrid class based on what I learned in my totally online class. If that is boring to you, stop now. If that sounds interesting in the least, you are just the person I want to hear from!

My summer online class was great. Students participated much more easily and productively online than in the fall. Part of that may be summer--students expect classes to be more intensive than in a regular semester. Another big difference is that this class was totally online instead of a hybrid class that meets in person. In the fall I teach the hybrid class again, so I'm looking at how to carry over the success from this summer, specifically in the message boards.

Students in the hybrid class don't participate as well in the message boards because they consider the face-to-face meetings more important. They don't seem interested in the online part because it's just "supplement," not "real" class. They just go through the motions. Some of the things I did differently in the summer session might help in the fall, though. I give extensive instructions for formal papers, but I wanted the students to take the lead in their discussions, so I tried to leave the instructions more open. I run my on-campus classes that way and I have been successful, but I think that students are less comfortable in the electronic format. While they are online all the time and they are certainly well-versed in electronically mediated conversation, the combination of online communication and class work is fairly new to them. So this time I gave them more specific topics for discussion along with a sample answer for each. In the beginning, they followed the model I offered closely but it didn't take long for them to start shaping the discussions themselves, which was the goal. I think my notion of student-led online discussions was a little too hands-off, and offering just a bit more instruction made a big difference. I think it's a confidence thing--they didn't know what I wanted so they were too cautious to do much of anything.

One challenge of the message boards is to have an actual discussion and not just a string of unrelated entries. I overtly encouraged discussion by suggesting that they take up examples that other students had already mentioned. Each post required an example to support their claim, but I stated in the initial post that they could use an example that another student had already brought up as long as they were adding to the discussion and not just repeating what had been said. That helped as much as any instructions do--it relies on the student to follow directions. I also went back a few times and instead of asking new questions, directed them to the previous thread and required new posts in that discussion. The second time around they did not bring up new examples but had to respond to what was there. That helped a lot, and I'll do it earlier next time. After the first time I did that, I noticed a change in the boards right away--they were more involved with their classmates and not just posting their piece and leaving.

One of my favorite assignments was a required discussion of works in progress. For each paper, I required them to post something--anything--about their papers and to post their theses. I also sent them back to that thread for a second round each time. Students who had no argument figured it out before the paper was due--big step!--and those who had been putting their work off had to get started earlier or they wouldn't have anything to say. I also responded to every post on the board. A few students told me that this open discussion of the writing process taught them better than any other assignments. Success!

I am thinking about a change for the fall, but I haven't made a decision yet. Last spring I held discussions of the readings during our on-campus meetings, not on the message boards. The purpose of the readings in this class are to analyze writing styles, structures, and techniques. I thought that was better done in class so that I could direct the discussion and point out passages and answer questions more efficiently. What happened was that they didn't read and just waited for me to tell them what was important--very little discussion and very little point in the end. In the summer I had them analyze the readings independently and write responses--which included quotes--in the message boards. That was a necessity because there were no on-campus meetings, but I think they ended up doing better. So now I'm considering focusing more on workshop-type activities during on-campus meetings and doing analysis of the readings online in the fall. No sure yet, but I do know my previous method needs to be tweaked (hopefully without the addition of quizzes. I hate giving quizzes.)

Okay--way too long. I'd love your thoughts, especially you online teachers.

Team Whymommy

I'm a little late getting to this, but I want to show my support for Whymommy at Toddler Planet. I've been reading her blog for about a year, and she always has great stories and insights about being a mom and watching her kids learn about their world. I've learned a lot from her. She's got a toddler and a six-month-old baby, and now she's fighting breast cancer. She needs lots of positive energy (no pity allowed!). Check her out.

long time, no blog

So, it's been awhile, but I haven't dropped off the face of the earth. I thought I would jump back into the blog, but I started by catching up on the blogroll, and sheesh! I'm tired now. But class is over and I have some things to say about that. For now I need to stop my head from spinning over all the goings-on at Anastasia, Scrivenings, and Words, Words. And answer my thousand emails. I received a lovely thank-you note from a student. In summary: "I have enjoyed your class and learned so much and improved my writing exponentially. You are the best teacher ever. And by the way, may I rewrite my final paper so I can get an A this time?" Sorry, no dice. Grades are in.

for more on online classes

I have way too much happening right now, but I will get to my post on online class discussions. For now, though, Sleepycat has some great observations.

inconsiderate

This is a personal vent. My husband worked two double shifts in a row, Friday and Saturday, because he only has two shift managers and they both asked off. Today he was supposed to go in at 4:00 p.m. He had to go in at 11:00 a.m. because at the time the restaurant was supposed to open, no manager was in sight. Just didn't show. I had been looking through recipes all week to put together a special meal for Father's Day, which is not so easy because my husband is picky. I cooked steak for the first time ever. I made a red wine marinade. Rebekah and I decorated cupcakes yesterday. But he missed it all. We had enough time to get up, take pictures of the girls with Daddy, and get happy about spending half a day together--we have to get excited about half a day--and then he had to leave and I'd already started cooking. Can't stop in the middle. My gift is wasted. It's in the refrigerator. It was good when I ate it alone at lunch, but day-old steak is not a special meal. And grilled potatoes that simply can't be reheated. And I ate three cupcakes. He had none. I've been depressed all day.

I'm more upset because this is not just a consequence of the job that takes too many hours. Someone did this to us. He had asked off for the weekend but in order to avoid using vacation time, opted for Friday and Saturday rather than Sunday. And then he didn't show up on Sunday and is not answering his phone or returning phone calls. Maybe something bad happened. I doubt it. It is more likely that he decided it was more important to be off work, so he just didn't go in. This happens a lot. And my husband is always the one who has to cover because he's the boss. So fire him, right? Sure, but then my husband has to work his 40 hours a week. Doesn't help the situation. It wasn't like this where we lived before. And there's only one more week left in this place, so maybe the new place will be better. My husband will be driving an hour every day until our house is ready, but he is happy to do it at this point.

Why do some people refuse to consider the consequences that their actions have for others? If this was an isolated incident, I wouldn't still be sad. But it happens all the time. And I am left alone. Today I am taking it personally.

summer class

Thanks for keeping up with me even though blogging has become sparse. Lots of life things are happening. And thank you for the great comments on my last post. I took your advice to heart while I was grading my first set of papers from the summer class.
This class is going quite well. The online discussion are great and the students are really interacting with each other. I thought that the online interaction would be better in the hybrid class last spring because they saw each other in person once a week, but actually the online interactions in this class are much better. I'm thinking about the possible reasons for that so I can keep improving my online classes. But I'll have to get to that later--baby is impatiently calling me.

love me or hate me

I got course evaluations from last semester, and there is no middle ground. They love me or hate. I got more good reviews than bad, but the bad ones were really bad. And the good ones were really good. It's weird. Several of them wrote that this was their favorite class, that they absolutely loved it, lots of exclamation points and capital letters. But one student wrote that my comments on her paper made her feel stupid and destroyed any confidence she had in writing. She (I'm guessing about who it was) suggested that I write, "This is good but you need to make improvements here," instead of just pointing out all the bad parts. Another student said he learned nothing at all and that it was three hours of tuition thrown out the window. Harsh. Some of them mentioned that they didn't realize the class would have so much online work when they registered. I have remedied that problem for summer and fall, and the online component is listed in the course schedule. (But there will be some who still don't get it.)

It's not easy trying to figure out what to do with class evaluations every semester. This one is particularly difficult because the responses are so polar. Was it really that good AND that bad? I think that I can soften up my comments on papers. Students always think I grade too hard, but my colleagues get that comment a lot, too. And many teachers inflate grades, which affects students' expectations. I am confident in my grading, but I'm going to look back on the comments I wrote on student papers and consider the tone. Maybe I'll see something in hindsight.

A few questions for the blogosphere:
Is it important to find good things to say about every student paper, even if it is seriously flawed?
How do I deal with evaluations that are so polarized?
Should I pay to check myself out on Pick-a-Prof or will that do more harm than good?

found a place to live

We're buying a house. It's a really nice, brand new house. Actually, right now it's a slab, but in a couple of months it will be a house. Sometimes I'm excited and sometimes it makes me so nervous I want to throw up.

On another note, summer school started today and half of my students have already logged in to the course website and started their assignments. Great sign. I like starting a new class--I'm always happy and optimistic. I love that about this career--every few months there's a clean slate and a fresh start.

blogging pseudonyms

Blogging pseudonyms are annoying me right now (mine, not yours). I forget to use them because I think I just quit worrying so much over being "found out." Largely because those who haven't heard about my blog from me have heard it through the grapevine. But there will be the job search one day. And I did a Google test using my name and my girls' names and, guess what it turns up--Mommy, Ph.D. So what do you think? Do I go back and delete all the real names in my posts and start using pseudonyms? I'll need a new one for the baby. I like RB and think it suits her, but AB doesn't work for the baby.

Know why I have three posts today? I'm almost done with my essay and I am avoiding it. And I don't have a lot of procrastination time with a baby at home. Get to work, Sarah!

positive

Okay, I'll stop being so mopey and say something positive. The husband's new city is very nice. It's a "master-planned community" with lots of cool shops and fabulous restaurants and fun stuff for kids because lots of rich people live there. It's a little too close to Extremely Large City for my comfort and a little too rich for our bank account. But the adjacent town where we hope to live is also nice, not quite so "master-planned," and close enough for husband to commute easily. It has stores and restaurants and parks. We live in a tiny little place right now and have to drive twenty miles to College Town for any of those things--seriously, can't even find the food I want at the local grocery store. There are several great preschools to choose from, all of them with openings for three-year-olds. None of them have openings for infants, but that is an entirely different issue and I still haven't decided what to do with Annabelle or when to do it. I'm content with her strapped to my chest for the time being.

Off topic, I've been amused at the names of preschools and daycare centers as I've been researching. Many of them are descriptively titled, "Christian Church Preschool" or "Local City Montessori." Others are more creative, "All God's Little Children" or "Frogs and Fairies." Others emphasize academics, "Academy of Excellence"--seriously! They love to use the words "academy" and "excellence" and "learning center" in various ways. Even the in-home child care providers with a maximum of, like, eight kids give their operations names like "Little Angels Academy" or "Sugar and Spice Child Development Center." Not exaggerating, people.

It makes me want to put a sign on my door: Mommy, Ph.D.'s Center of Excellence for the Nurturing of Girl Geniuses. Maximum capacity: 2.

the husband's job

The husband is moving because he doesn't like his current location and told his boss that he needed to move or he would have to quit. So they found him a new place pretty quickly--same job, different place. The position was vacated by a manager who quit because his wife said she would divorce him if he didn't get a different job. Yep.

a step in...a direction

Who knows if it's the right one? The husband has a new job location to start in four weeks. The good news is that it's not extremely far from school--it's a long commute but not unthinkable--and it's close enough to home that he can commute for a while if we haven't moved by the time he starts. Now we need to find a place to live and a school for Rebekah. But first I have to finish this darned essay.

finished semester but no break in sight

Blame the light blogging on too much work, too little sleep, and not enough hands. I finished grading in record time because the papers were very short. I may drop this assignment for the summer because it's the summer and it will give me time to think about whether I want to continue it in the fall. Perhaps the deliberations on the value of this assignment deserve a separate post, but not today. I'm considering dropping it only because it is autobiographical, and those are so hard to grade. How do you give someone a bad grade on a paper about their parents' divorce or their best friend's suicide, no matter how badly written it is? So the question is not if this assignment is valuable--I think it is--but if I can use it responsibly. Good news is that despite some unusually high grades on the last paper, the final grades turned out exactly as I thought they should. It's nice when you get to the end of the semester, look at how it all turned out in the end, and agree with the outcome. It's not fun when you get to the end and wonder, how did this person not get an A? Or how did this guy manage to pass?

So now I have to finish revising my essay that is being published. I have signed a contract for it, but I still have a fear that in the end it will be thrown out. I won't believe it until I see it in print. I think my insecurity about it is based on my current, less-than-ideal working situation--sleep-deprived, hormonal, and stealing bits of time here and there to work on it. But I did a whole year of coursework in that state, and it worked out alright. By the time I finish the article, it will be time to start summer school, and somewhere in the midst of that, I'll be moving somewhere. Still don't know where or when. I'm just teaching one class in the summer, so I won't be too overworked. And so far it looks like a very small class, so maybe I won't have massive amounts of grading to do. I do have some preparation to do for this because even though I'm teaching the same class with the same book, it's in the summer and totally online, so there's some adapting to do.

Enough rambling. This post has bored even me.

moving. again.

So one of the big changes on the horizon is, once again, moving. Yes, we did this a year ago. And it's sort of a surprise this time. We weren't really planning for a move, but as I wrote last summer we pretty much move every year, and it pretty much sucks. So here we go again, and I don't know where we're going. My husband is going to a different job--well, same job, different location (not sure exactly where)--and hopefully he will be less miserable there. He is not happy where he is, and that is why we're moving again. But the nice, affordable rental properties in the places we're looking are...well, they're just not there. So we met with a realtor yesterday and talked about buying. I'm not ready for that, either. And I don't know if we can even get a loan. I cried when we left the office because I'm just overwhelmed. New baby, uncertain financial future, uprooting again, dissertation still looming...and there's other work to do--I won't actually be "off" (as much as I am ever "off") until July.

Annabelle is strapped to my chest right now, happy as she can be, and I have two hands free. I should have done this sooner.

grading not going so well

I'm moving through the papers just fine, but I am not pleased with what I am seeing. Students are missing the point of the assignment. And maybe being tired from caring for the baby has made me less patient or tolerant of errors that I see as results of carelessness, lack of effort, or unwillingness to ask questions. Despite childbirth, I have been constantly available to my students online and I have posted messages to remind them of that.

The biggest problem is that many of them have totally missed the point of the assignment and have submitted papers that are entirely descriptive and not analytical at all. No thesis to be found. This is their THIRD paper, so analysis and argument are not new concepts in the class. And we went over and over and over this assignment in our on-campus meetings and online. I was worried initially that I had not made the assignment clear, but some students have done exactly what was asked of them. Not just the brightest ones, either. When a lot of students get it wrong, I feel insecure about the way I have taught them--that is it my fault, not theirs. But I feel at this point like it is simply a result of not following directions. So as I've been marking their papers, I have cut and pasted excerpts from the paper prompt to show them, "Here's what you were supposed to do, and you didn't do it." That's the best I can do with it.

So what to do next semester to make it better? I am teaching the same class in the summer and again in the fall, and instead of revamping the class, I am going to try to improve on this model (I'm sort of attached to it, and I want it to be great, and I also have a lot of things to do besides searching for new textbooks and developing new a syllabus). In the fall, I am doing the hybrid on-campus/online class, but in the summer I am totally online. And that was not so fun when I taught Tech Writing, largely because of the whole following directions thing.

So here's an idea that I'm toying with: quizzes over paper prompts.
This idea feels a little juvenile to me and even potentially insulting to the students. When I was an undergraduate, I would have been pissed if the instructor had quizzed me on my ability to read instructions. But it would make (most of) them read the prompts that I have spent so much time developing. And maybe they would write the papers that I have assigned.

Another option that I will most likely use is required online discussions of the papers in progress. We had those this semester and they really paid off for some students. That method puts a lot more responsibility on the students to identify their problems and bring up the right questions and topics for discussion. It's not as efficient as a quiz. It only works for the ones who are willing to put the effort into participating--REALLY participating and not just going through the motions to get credit. Part of me says that those are the students I should prioritize, anyway. But another part of me really wants to figure out how to motivate the ones who don't care so much and don't want to put in so much effort. It's easy to nurture the great students. I also want to reach the students who don't want to be reached. The perpetual frustration of a teacher.

back to work

The real work starts up again today. I've done some quick checking in with school work and my students over the past two weeks, but today the real work starts--I have a shiny new batch of papers to grade. Fortunately, my class is very small this semester--only fourteen students (not counting the disappearing student who is still on the roll but has not materialized in months--there's one in every class). I meet my students one last time on Monday. They are supposed to do evaluations. I wonder how many will actually show.

I'm recovering well (though I still use the progressive verb--there is recovering yet to do). Today I'm wearing some non-maternity jeans, which makes me feel better. Of course, I only have one pair of non-maternity jeans that fit right now, but I don't mind wearing them every day. It is no fun wearing maternity clothes when you're not pregnant. And breastfeeding is now going well--no more blisters, no more scabs. Which is good because as of this weekend, there is no more Vicadin!

Many things are on the horizon. Life changing things (as if my life were not changing enough already). There will likely be lots of blogging-things-out.

Birth story

Fair warning: this post is just what the title claims.

As I informed the blog many times, I was miserable pretty much throughout the whole pregnancy and especially in the last few weeks. Like I did with my first pregnancy, I had frequent Braxton Hicks contractions early on and other less pleasant labor symptoms for weeks before Annabelle was born. On the Friday before she was born, I felt like I might be going into labor and I went to the doctor. I was dilated to three and fifty percent effaced, but no baby coming. The pressure was pretty bad--I felt like she might just fall out any time. So I went home and continued to feel worse, and by Saturday morning I was having contractions 5-6 minutes apart. All day long. Saturday night I was up all night because in addition to the contractions I had a really bad ligament pain in my side that I could not talk through. But for me the worst thing is to go to the doctor and be sent back home, so I was not anxious to go anywhere until I knew I was having a baby. Sunday morning after egg hunting and candy and no way was I getting dressed to go to church feeling the way I did, my mother, who had been here all weekend, made me go to the hospital. That's right. Twenty-eight years old having my second child and my mother made me go to the hospital. And I went begrudgingly because I just knew I would be sent back home. I told my husband to go on to work and my parents took me to the hospital and we brought RB right along with us.

A nurse examined me and I was STILL dilated to three and fifty percent effaced and having all kinds of painful and regular contractions. But when the doctor arrived and she could feel the baby's hair through the amniotic sac, she granted me a reprieve and broke my water. I had hoped to have her on my own without induction, but when it came down to it, that was the best news I'd heard in weeks. Even better, they ordered the epidural right away, so by the time the hard contractions started, I already had pain relief. Hooray! After about an hour they gave me a Pitocin drip, and Annabelle was on her way FAST. The time between when the doctor broke my water and when Annabelle was born was about four hours--much better than my first delivery which took twelve. The epidural was perfect--no pain but I could feel every contraction--and I suddenly had to send my mom to get the nurse because I needed to push. When I started pushing her head was there right away, and I had to stop to wait for the doctor--not a fun ten minutes. Finally the doctor got there and Annabelle's head was out in no time. Shoulders were another story. Just like RB, Annabelle got stuck. Last time I was able to push her on out, but this time the doctor grabbed the baby by the head and the nurse stood up over me and pushed down on my belly with both hands to get her out. Thanks to the epidural, that didn't hurt, although it was a bit surreal, but I certainly felt it (feel it) later. Ouch.

Annabelle cried right away, and I got to hold her as soon as she was out. Shannon (husband) got to cut the cord, and then I nursed her for a few minutes. We missed all of those things with RB because she didn't cry when she was born and they took her away for hours to observe her breathing before bringing her back to me. The whole thing went very well and I even got on the phone myself to tell friends and family that she was born. I was elated that the labor was so fast and relatively painless. The first few days of recovery were rough, but I am doing much better now, except for very painful breastfeeding. Blisters, scabs, bleeding--bad stuff. I'm trying to work it out myself. I went to a lactation consultant for the same problems with RB and she said that I was doing everything right and there didn't appear to be a problem. Except, of course, for the scabs and bleeding, right? So we'll just press on and hopefully things will get better in the next few days. Thank heaven for Vicadin.

love my tie-dyed baby shirt

Thanks for the compliments on the tie-dyed baby shirt :) I dyed several onesies and shirts before RB was born because I was frustrated with the limited offerings--why does everything have to be pink or blue? I love my tie-dyed baby clothes.

Here she is...

Our Easter baby is here!

Annabelle was born on Easter Sunday at 4:51 p.m. She weighed 8 lbs. 4 oz. and is 21 inches long. Details coming soon :)

second child anxiety

No baby yet. Still holding.

Yesterday I took RB with me to my doctor's appointment and she thought it was really exciting. She talked to the doctor the whole time we were there, telling her all about her baby sister and what she was like when she was a baby and asking her what she was doing to Mommy. She has been telling us all about what she "remembers" about being a baby. After that we went to the hospital for a special sibling tour, which included about fifteen three-year-olds and their pregnant mothers. Quite an experience! But it was surprisingly hard for me. I fought tears the whole time, and I feel like crying again thinking about it. It's hard for me to think of RB as a big sister. I'm not worried about my ability to care for the baby. I am concerned about RB and how she will feel. I don't want her to feel displaced or less important. But also it's hard to see how mature and independent she is, a feeling that is intensified by the fact that her days as the baby of the house are almost over. As she has grown up, I have not missed the stage that passed. I've never looked back at her days as an infant wistfully because the toddler stages have been so exciting and, for me, much more fun. But now that there will be a new baby and RB is taking on the role of big sister, I do feel some sadness and anxiety over her growing up.

One thing I have thought about since she was a baby was how I would care for a second baby--I realized right away that it would have to be different. There have been so many times when RB and I have been the only people in the whole world, snuggled up together, sometimes all day long when she was small enough to stay in one place for more than ten minutes. Back then my worry was how I would care for the baby; I knew that I couldn't just rely on how my experience with RB but that I would have to learn a whole new way of parenting for that child. Even though that is still true, I'm not worried about it. I'm confident that I will do just fine with the baby. I worry about how I will have to change the way I care for RB. I know I will take care of her and give her attention and show her plenty of love, but it will have to be different in some ways.

And I'm extremely pregnant and hormonal, so I'll spend the day crying over it now.

Thinking Blogger Award

Look what I got:


Canape of Don't Take the Repeats has bestowed upon me a Thinking Blogger Award. (It's also the first time I've ever been tagged for a meme.) I first encountered Canape as she was coping with the immediate grief of a miscarriage. Miscarriage is a topic that is difficult for people to talk about and understand, and she wrote so thoughtfully and beautifully about her experience--more so than I ever did--that I felt a connection to her right away. I second Gerbil's award to her. Canape makes me think and also entertains me and moves me with her observations and contemplations.

So now it is my task to give some awards. The blogs I like to read--the ones that make me think--are the ones that combine the personal, profession, emotional, and intellectual, refusing to compartmentalize their lives. (This might sound strange to those who know I keep two different blogs--this is because I want to offer updates on my family to my extended family and long distance friends, but I don't necessarily want them coming over here reading what I'm really thinking about--so I guess there's some compartmentalizing there.) And of course, I like to read blogs of people who are concerned about the same things as I am, so all of the blogs on this list address parenting and academic issues. I have also deliberately excluded people I know in person, even though I daily appreciate the ways they make me think.

The Thinking Bloggers:
Anastasia
Scrivenings
Diss, Dat, and Diapers
Writing Maternity
My Handful

And now the buck is passed to you five--you are tagged and you must now award five Thinking Blogger Awards.

waiting

Of course academic things are still happening, but I can barely maintain my interest in them long enough to complete my required tasks, let alone blog about them. So we'll just let this stand in for blog posts for the next couple of weeks (but if you're interested in pregnancy updates, email me and I'll direct you to the other blog):

a rare photo

I just posted this on my family blog, but I thought it was worth sharing here, too. It makes me happy.

progress

My diss proposal is good. Now I have to go through the process of getting it filed so I can apply for a fellowship. I've been reading Irigaray and doing fine--much better than two years ago when I read it for the first time. I will try to get my essay revised in the next week, but I get a stack of student papers tomorrow and that needs to come first. We'll see. I am no longer frantic to get everything done--I will just do my best and take what comes. So there's progress, too.

In other news, the baby is making progress. I am dilated and having contractions that are somewhat painful, but that went on for weeks before RB was born. The due date is in three weeks. Everyone feels the need to inform me of the most convenient time for the baby to be born. Guess what? I don't care and neither does the baby. She will come when she comes. That's what babies do. We are not interested in your other plans.

There's no crib set up, but there is now a place cleared for the crib. She won't sleep there for a few weeks, so that's no big deal. We're trying to decide whether to continue with a project to paint the crib--we've bought paint and sanded the crib down already--or to abandon it and have my mother-in-law bring a different crib that does not require painting. I had a vision of lovely celestial patterns stenciled on the crib, but I quickly discovered that I am in no position to bend over painting furniture. So I think we'll just let it go.

I took some Benedryl last night and slept better than I have in two weeks. Now all I want to do is go back to bed and sleep for the rest of the day.

not exactly "nesting"

But I am cleaning my house so that when the baby comes my mother-in-law won't see what it normally looks like.

Spring Break? not for Sarah

So much to do, so very pregnant. No Spring Break for me. Too much work. Baby due in four weeks. No time for complete sentences.

And the to-do list grows

I had whittled down my to-do list to three major items: apply for teaching award, finish final revisions of proposal and file it, apply for funding with April deadline. Of course, teaching fits in there, too, but next week is Spring Break and my next student papers don't come in until after that. So today I got an email from the editor of the book collection that I submitted to. My essay has been accepted with revisions. And don't you think you should add some Irigaray? And have it in by May 15. Aack! So add another major project to the to-do list, and it's just not getting done before the baby comes. Focus on the good news--I can now add it to my CV as a forthcoming publication. That's nice since this thing has been drawn out over a year (I'm sure that's normal, but it still feels like a long time to wait). So now I must put my nose to the grindstone.

dining out with RB

Here's a kid story for you.

We went out to eat with friends Wednesday night, and we sat on the patio at the restaurant. Like typical outdoor furniture, the chairs were metal with no cushions and had openings in the seats. RB was wearing a dress and had it hiked up because she has decided she can't sit on her dress (very attractive at church when she pulls her skirt up to her chest before she sits down). In the middle of dinner, she turned to me and said, matter-of-factly, "I'm tee-tee-ing" (apparently she did not think this one warranted a trip to the potty). I looked down and, sure enough, I saw a steady flow coming through the holes in her chair down to the floor and rolling into the grass. What to do? I just waited until she was finished and then took her to the bathroom to change her underwear. She got nothing on her dress, no puddle in the chair, no puddle under the chair--no one around even knew what happened, including the people at our table! And the mess just rolled off the porch into the grass. I think we'll sit outside from now on!

much better

I'm not nearly as pouty and dreary as I was yesterday. I took the afternoon off and then last night we all met up with some good friends for dinner. Much better.

Today I showed up on campus and asked for any spare minutes that my advisor could give me, and he worked me in between class and a dissertation defense. And he had comments on my proposal. I still have some revisions to make, but I feel much better about these and I am confident that I can get them done before the baby is born and get my proposal officially filed in time for the April funding application deadline. Better yet, he said (with a bit of coaxing from me) that I don't have time to get it all done before next Friday for the department deadline. Now I feel like I have permission not to apply for those awards, and that makes one less thing to worry about. One less thing is good news right now. I am going to apply for a different award that is not related to my dissertation, and I am determined to meet the April deadline. So I'm not being a total slacker--just realistic in my expectations. It will all work out.

you know what I really want?

Maternity leave. I think I'll grant that to myself for the rest of the day and write thank you notes for my baby shower gifts.

on a lighter note

Baby day is rapidly approaching. Six weeks to go. My father called me yesterday to ask when I intend to have the baby. Seriously. He has to schedule something in April and wanted my input. I told him that I fully intend to have the baby by Easter, but I can't be assured that she will comply. And I tried the at-home labor inducing methods the first time around, and they don't work. None of them. Baby comes when baby comes. But she is coming soon.

waiting, waiting...

I did send my revised proposal off to my advisor last week, but I have heard nothing yet. He had papers to grade but assures me that I am approaching the top of his list. I have deadlines for funding applications in a week and a half, and I have to get my proposal filed by then.

On one hand, I am concerned because I expect that I will have to do more revisions. I did not add the chapter he suggested that I add, and even though I intended to work on that part while he reviewed the rest, it is hard for me to do it until I get word back from him that, indeed, I have to do it. So I will probably have to do more revisions (quickly!) and then circulate it to the rest of the committee and then file it by next Friday. Doesn't seem likely to happen.

On the other hand, I don't think I'll get the funding I am applying for because I know who else is applying. Maybe that's an inferiority complex. And maybe that's just realistic. But either way, I don't really even want to apply because I feel like I'm wasting my time. There is another deadline in April, and I actually do feel okay about that one. I just don't want to rush through next week trying to pull it all together and turn in less-than-impressive materials.

Maybe if I'd heard from my advisor by now I'd feel differently. But I doubt it. And I'm not upset with him because it's my fault that I took so long to produce the revisions.

And I'm having another case of "not smart enough"--not fishing for compliments or reassurance here, just expressing that feeling. It creeps in from time to time, and based on my Google referrals, I am not alone. Of all the other phrases that bring people here, the words "not smart enough" show up most often on the referrer list.

Blah.

Some more on DePauw DZs

This story continues to bother me for two main reasons: I am a an alumna of Delta Zeta (yes, I was a sorority girl), and in the past ten years, I have spent a great deal of time with undergraduate women, as an undergrad myself and then as a teacher. There is no need for me to add to the general discussion of the Greek system and its problems and inherent flaws. And there is no need to restate how awful it is to exclude people based on appearance--that is clear and has been discussed extensively across the blogosphere and various media outlets.

I've been reading about this event from the perspective of all sides, including the official word from DZ nationals, and what is always at the front of my mind is the humiliation and rejection that these undergraduate women must have felt. Broader issues are certainly at hand, but my mind is on the individuals who were told that they are not good enough. Whether you call it "buying friends" or any of the other stereotypical characterizations of sororities, these young women, away from their families, were looking for a place to fit in and feel loved. And they were cast out by a form letter. Not just out of a club but out of the place they lived! How devastating that must have been for their self images!

There are many sides to the issue and many people to blame (the university, for one, which is up in arms over DZ's actions but didn't mind a few months ago when the whole chapter was about to close its doors and turn its property over to the school). One member from DePauw, pointing fingers at many guilty parties, reminds us that these women were treated badly by their fellow students for years before this happened. It is pointless for me to criticize DZ further for discrimination--plenty of people are doing that already and they, of course, continue to deny it, pointing repeatedly to their constitution and to the history of diversity in the sorority.

I want to say shame on you, Delta Zeta, for not treating these women with the common human decency to speak to them in person and to explain, if there was good reason as you claim, why they were kicked out. (And they were kicked out--we all know that alumna status means nothing when you're still on campus and have been evicted from your home!) Whatever your excuses and justifications, you told 23 women that they were no longer wanted, and you did it in a form letter. You hurt each of those women and they will have trouble recovering from such a blow. You owe them more than that.

DZ has acknowledged that they did not communicate well with the chapter, the university, and its alumnae. And they're doing a pretty weak job of communicating still. But whatever your admissions of guilt are at this point, it is too little, too late. You have done a lot of damage. You are not victims of the media that has "mischaracterized" an "isolated incident." You brought this down on yourself by failing to treat your members with sensitivity and respect and to simply care about the feelings of fellow human beings. I just hope that the solidarity that the former members have demonstrated will heal their emotional wounds and keep them from feeling isolated and ostracized.

Delta Zeta at DePauw

I am saddened and disgusted by these events.

Edited: I've noticed a lot of links to this post, so I want to link you to my second post on the topic.

To the ladies who lunch

Thanks--I needed that. Enjoy the video :)

Two Carnivals

Carnival of GRADual Progress #7

Teaching Carnival #20

Updates on health, writing, and booties

I called the nurse and she said that most adults don't get Fifth disease even when caring for a child who has it (RB's cheeks turned bright red last night, illustrating why it is called "slapped face disease"). So they don't want me to come in unless I have flu symptoms or a rash. Because if I do have it, there's nothing they can do, anyway. It still bothers me because I have the internet at my fingertips and the late pregnancy insomnia and I read all the terrible things that can happen to a fetus if the mother has Fifth disease. And I have all of the symptoms, except a rash, because my allergies are going crazy right now and my joints are sore from the pregnancy. So how do I know the difference between allergy sick and pregnancy sick and actual disease sick? I thought I'd feel better if I went to the doctor, but I actually feel better because the doctor doesn't want to see me. She's not worried, so I won't worry. Much.

As for the peanut butter, we've eaten half a jar and we have no signs of food poisoning, so we'll just assume it's all clear and I'll go buy some Jif today. Somehow knowing that I am not supposed to eat the peanut butter makes me really want to eat some peanut butter.

And after my moment of blog catharsis yesterday, I wrote three solid pages. Maybe I can do that again today. I tried to work after RB went to bed, but I was just too tired to think that hard. And too busy researching all my potentially devastating ailments.

I declare that the evenings will now be devoted to booties, and I will not feel guilty about it for one moment.

It's always something

Yes, it's 3:00 a.m. I can't sleep.

I have been exposed to Fifth disease, and I ate the salmonella peanut butter. Tomorrow I go to the doctor.

Sigh.

unmotivated

I have never had a problem with self-discipline. I have always been on top of things. My adviser called me "remarkably efficient." Two years ago. Not anymore. I feel like I don't accomplish anything. Maybe the problem is that I've never been in the position where I had to make myself do something I really didn't want to do. I've had to do things I didn't want to do, but it was always for a class that had a solid deadline imposed by someone else. When I've had to discipline myself to get things done, I have always been interested in the task and motivated to complete it. Now I find myself with a task in which I am completely uninterested--rewriting the diss proposal--and I have to make myself do it because no one else is going to make me. There are some funding deadlines coming up, and I thought that would help, but no. Probably because I don't think I'll get the funding. There is no reason that my proposal shouldn't have been done and filed months ago. I feel like a loser.

Supadiscomama has suggested that pregnancy might be to blame for my lack of interest. At this point in my first pregnancy, it was May and school was out, and I spent my days floating in the pool, eating ice cream, and crocheting baby booties. I would love to make some baby booties right now. That would make me happy. But I must write. Seriously, Sarah. Write something. Today.

question while grading

What do you tell a student who frequently uses the wrong words? Lots of people use wrong words, especially when they are trying to sound smart or vary their vocabulary. I've done it. But some people do it all the time (like my brother! if you're reading this, sorry, man, but you do it a lot). How do you help them? I'm pointing out the individual words that he has used incorrectly, but what do I say about the general habit of using words when he doesn't know what they mean. Because he probably thinks he does know what they mean.

I don't worry about him too much. He could be our president one day.

Blogiversary

Mommy, Ph.D. is one year old today. 222 posts. 10, 422 unique visitors. Happy blogiversary to me.

more insights from the child

Yesterday, RB said to me, "You're my mommy-baby-sister." Even though she talks to her unborn sister and even tells her, "Stop kicking Mommy, Annabelle," she still thinks of us as a package deal. It made me think of the concept of maternal-fetal conflict and how before ultrasounds could project images of fetuses separate from mothers, the mother and the unborn child could not really be imagined as separate individuals. I do love the technology available to me to let me hear my baby's heart and even see her face before she's born. But I also prefer to think of us still as one unit. We share a body, blood, nutrients, everything. One day she'll be a separate person, but for now we are "mommy-baby-sister" all in one.

And I love when my toddler gives me such wonderful insight into how she understands the world.

feed settings

For those who have requested it, I have changed my feed settings so that full posts are sent through feeds now. Thanks for reading :)

Teaching Web 2.0, part 2

(I know it's long, but I hope you'll still read it, especially if you're a writing teacher.)

As I mentioned in this post, I have chosen to analyze user-generated web content in my Advanced Composition class because most students are already personally invested in it and because it raises interesting issues about composition.

I have to keep the discussion of the latter part on the light side because I don't think they're entirely ready to deal with those issues in depth. Part of that is because, despite what the title of the class seems to indicate, this is a sophomore-level course. They are still dealing with a lot of writing issues that are covered in freshman composition, which many students never actually took because there are so many ways to get out of it. What I want them to do, mainly, is to expand their concept of writing to include composition on the web, with its fluidity and temporality and globality and hypertextuality and collaborativality (okay, so that's not a word--I got carried away). I want them to think about what they write online as writing.

The major obstacle to that is a continued attachment to paper. Now, I'm not saying that I don't like paper. Paper is fine. But there are all these new ways to write that don't quite feel as legitimate as paper. The traditional academic paper with its page counts and red pen grade marking. Anything else seems less serious, less academic. They (we, everybody) need to be able to take electronic texts seriously, as they read them and as they compose them. To that end, I'm conducting an almost paper-free class (with the exception of the textbook) to distance them from paper and force them to participate in electronic composition and communication for a grade (and doesn't that somehow make it real and legitimate--when it's for a grade?).

But I'm not doing anything especially revolutionary here. I think that I could have gone much farther, but I'm holding back. I'm still requiring the traditional academic papers that are in the familiar paper format. They are composed, submitted, peer reviewed, and graded entirely electronically--never printed out. But still, the electronic versions of the papers are just an imitation of the printed papers. They have the same visual format, the same page breaks, the same everything, just appearing as an image on the computer screen instead of in their hands. Even that much distance from paper is unsettling for some. In his course evaluation last semester, one student from Technical Writing, a totally web-based class, lamented the loss of the red pen on his graded papers. He felt like the electronic grademarking, which mimics the red pen, was not as effective.

I am keeping the traditional paper format this semester for several reasons. One is that I have an obligation to them to prepare them for academic writing that will be required of them in other classes. Even though they were supposed to learn the conventions of academic writing in freshman comp, I still feel like I would be misleading them if I attempted to change the way they conceive of academic writing when in reality the college papers that are assigned in every class are not much changed. Another reason is that they are comfortable with the traditional format, and they feel more like they understand what is expected of them. If I tried to turn their whole notion of writing upside-down, I think that they would be so distracted, and some of them upset, trying to figure out "what I'm looking for" in their writing projects that I would have to sacrifice a lot of the work that I want to do with them. I'm not sure that they would be better writers at the end of the class, and to make them better writers is my primary goal.

Also, I must admit, the traditional paper format is more comfortable to me because I know how to grade it. I know how to grade it because I have written many and they have been graded and I have modeled my grading on my experiences as a student. (This is the first time I've really connected grading with being a student, but isn't that how we learn how to grade? Certainly no one has ever taught me how to grade a paper.) When I assign innovative projects, I am frequently pleased with the results but also left with the problem of trying to assign grades for which I have no previous reference. I just don't know what to do with them.

So what I'm doing this semester is easing them into electronic, web-based composition for low-stakes assignments but still taking the biggest parts of their grades from traditional papers. I am asking them to analyze electronic communication and write papers about it, which I guess is another way of easing them into the thing. We are using "Web 2.0," or user-generated content, or whatever you want to call it, every day, but our foundation is still paper, even if that paper appears as an image on the screen. I think that I've made the right decisions for the class (actually, I may have gotten in trouble with the department had I done anything too different), but I still feel like I'm doing it half-way, holding back. And the result of that is that I feel like I am trying to sell my students on something and they're not really buying it.

Teaching Web 2.0, part 1

The theme of my Advanced Composition class is not technology or user-generated web, but it is a huge component. The theme is actually "Identity and Community," and under that umbrella, we're looking at the ways in which identity and community are constructed and expressed via electronic communication (I know I've described this before, but I thought a recap was in order). We're using blogs and message boards and the class is almost paperless, so the technology is in use all the time, but we're starting a four-week unit next week in which we'll study specifically web communication and virtual communities. And I'm showing this video.

The concept that underlies Web 2.0 is not exactly new. The internet has been connecting people and allowing people to create their own content for a very long time. What the video points out, though, is that those services that are being called Web 2.0 now have removed the need to understand coding and programming and "how" technology works by making user-friendly, accessible programs that allow people to put whatever they want online without any advanced technological knowledge. Those kinds of programs have also been around for a while, but now they are pervasive. Everybody's doing it. And while the questions of authorship and copyright and even relationships that the video's ending alludes to are also not really new--they were around long before Flickr and MySpace and Blogger--the exponential growth of Web 2.0 has brought those questions to the radar of many more people who don't necessarily identify themselves as artists, authors, or academics.

So what about teaching? I selected this topic for two reasons. It is timely and interesting to students, which hopefully will help them to enjoy the class and encourage them to put more effort into their writing assignments. And it presents intriguing questions about composition. With my theme, we are focused more on the first part. I'm asking students to be self-conscious about their use of user-generated web and to really consider its function and potential in their lives. Based on their blogs, I think that a lot of them do not realize how prominent the internet is in their personal lives, and I suspect that is because it is so commonplace that they find it unremarkable. I asked them to blog about their use of the internet, and several of them immediately stated that they could not live without it. They are plugged in all the time and feel anxious when they are away from it. But many others were reluctant to make such a statement, adamant that they are not "addicted" (a word used frequently among them) to the internet. Their entries almost ran on a pattern--They would insist from the beginning that they don't use the computer that much, mostly just for school. Then they would start to list the things they did online regularly, and the lists became lengthy, even as they continued to insist that they were not that "attached" to it. It went something like this: I don't use the internet much and I just don't understand why people are so attached to it and spend hours on the computer. But I use it all the time to do school work. And to talk to friends and family. And post pictures. And I have to check Facebook every day. But I don't really use it that much.

Issues of composition and authorship are not on their minds (except maybe for the guy who writes music and posts his songs online). Whether they are conscious of it or not, they are invested in the internet as a social tool (and secondarily, I think, as a learning tool). I've been easing them into thinking about it critically, and next week we're hitting it hard as they start writing papers that analyze virtual communities (primary research--yea!). Which brings me to the second big issue--composition. But not today. I don't like long blog posts, and I just wrote one, so now it's time to stop.

The next installment will come soon. And I will respond to the "Academia 2.o" video, which is really about something different.

Web 2.0 ... The Machine is Us/ing Us

This video is much less documentary-ish. I'm going to show it to my class next week.

Academia 2.0

This is a video response to the film "Web 2.0...The Machine is Us/ing Us." I will have comments about this later, but for now I will just share it with you because I think this is something that all of who teach have to care about.

URL for video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1tvYc9_wZ38

The child encounters religious ritual

(Which doesn't happen too often for a Baptist)

I've talked a bit about religion on the blog, and my dissertation (shall we assume for the moment that I am writing a dissertation) is on religion, but I can't recall how much I've revealed about my own religion. So I'm Baptist (insert stereotypes and assumptions here). My daughter goes to a Baptist church every Sunday, and she goes to a Lutheran preschool during the week. My sister-in-law (who is especially Baptist) was appalled that we were sending her to a Lutheran preschool, but my response was that they are not teaching her Lutheran doctrine at two years old. But this week I found out that they were baptising baby dolls at school (seriously!), and RB said that she is going to baptise her sister when she's born. This is an interesting coincidence because on Sunday we are going to a Methodist church to see a friend's baby baptised. Baptists don't baptise babies. I plan to bring Rebekah into the service at least for the baptism instead of sending her straight to the nursery. I think she will be very interested in the baptism since she has "participated" in one at school.

I don't have any specific thoughts on this right now--I'm sort of trying to work out how to handle it. Some of my questions are, What does RB understand about baptism at this age? What does she think is happening? Will she notice that her sister will not be baptised (at least not as an infant)? Will she ask if she was baptised? Should I explain that some churches baptise babies while others don't? Should I wait until she asks?

Our church does have a nice baby dedication service that will sort of take the place of a baptism service (certainly not the same thing but it might look similar to a young child). Perhaps it will be enough to explain that some churches use water and some do not. But that's not really the truth. And I have a feeling that it is going to be more complicated than that even for RB.

So this post just sets up the problem. Maybe I will have more later when we start working these things out. For now, I am listening to what she has to say. And she does have things to say.

ABD is not really so fun

Studying for prelims was way better.

I actually don't feel so run down and frustrated right now. I'm not crying today. I'm not exhausted. I'm drinking a large cup of coffee in celebration of a story on the Today show that announced that drinking even large amounts of coffee daily is safe for pregnant women. (Not that I gave up coffee, but I was still glad to see the official annoucement. But Supadiscomama reminds me that I better wean myself off before AB comes along because caffeine and breastfeeding makes for jittery baby.)

What concerns me is that the fantasy to just quit where I am lingers, even in my calm, rational state. The idea of rewriting my dissertation proposal right now (which I am supposed to be doing right now--or more accurately, three months ago) is almost more than I can fathom. I don't feel panicky. I just don't see how it's going to happen. Because I can't conceive of the project in any concrete way. The proposal feels superficial and insubstantial and just boring. I can't even feel angst over the diss right now because I can't envision a successful proposal. If my project were to write an article over any of the primary texts, I would feel supremely confident. And I would actually do it. I actually think that I could jump into a chapter and move along pretty well. But the proposal is a strange genre that carries no meaning for me and will be seen by maybe four people yet is the bane of my existence at the moment. I can't progress until it's done, and I just can't see it getting done.

I totally understand why people get to ABD and quit. And it scares me how appealing that idea is.

P.S. I won't be quitting. My husband has sacrificed too much for my degree. He is actually my motivation right now.

Private P.S. to Supadiscomama: He's being nice again, so I like him now :)

Maybe she's ready for Butler

After reading so much gender theory, watching my daughter develop a concept of gender fascinates me (and often entertains me).

Sunday morning I put her hair up with a bow, and she looked in the mirror and said, "Now I'm a girl." She messed it up and I had to take it out and start over. When I took it out, she said, "I'm not a girl anymore."

I didn't say anything--sometimes I think it's more important to let her work those things out for herself.

in case you haven't seen it yet

You should check out the round of discussion on the challenges of young female faculty, starting with Azpazia. Dr. Crazy has assembled a collection of links, so I'll just piggy back on her.

how do you do it?

One of the most frequent questions I get in person and via Google referrals is probably, how do you raise a child while going to school? (I don't know how punctuation is supposed to work in that sentence--it always bugs me. If anyone has a definitive answer on that, I am open to it.) I don't really believe that raising a child in grad school is any harder than raising a child with any career, but one thing that is usually part of being in grad school is living far from family. I often fantasize about being able to call my mom when I need help with RB or if an emergency comes up, especially when I call and she's taking care of my brother's kids. Wouldn't it be nice? But that's just not possible for me or for most people in this line of work. But I have friends. (Here's where things are going to get a little mushy.)

I've been thinking about what's going to happen when AB is born and remembering how things were when RB was a baby. I couldn't have gotten through it without a few people (you know who you are!) who cared for my baby at various, often random times while I took a full course load and taught a class with a really inconvenient schedule that had me on campus at 9:00 a.m. and 5:15 p.m., not to mention night classes. And for several months there, she was a sickly baby who screamed the whole time I was out of her sight. My situation is much different now, but I don't know what I would have done without them. And I am grateful, too, for a friendship that grew out of my offer to help out a fellow student-mom whom I barely knew at the time because I knew what it was like to need help and not know where that help was going to come from. Now she and her family are very important to me and to my daughter.

I don't have an active social life. I never have "Mommy's night out." I hardly even go out with my husband. I pretty much work and hang out with my kid. But I do know that there are people around who will help me when I need it. And I hope they think of me when they need help. It's crucial to have a network of support. I don't know anybody who could truly do it alone.

This post brought to you by sappy, pregnant, emotional Sarah.

everything is okay; RB makes an observation

Just an update for the kind commenters who expressed support. Dad's okay (reasonably). Mom's okay (resonably). I'm as okay as I ever am. We'll see how next week goes.

RB has brought it to my attention that I talk to myself. A lot. Every day. I never really noticed it, but lately I'll say something, and she'll ask, "What did you say?" Then I realize I'm talking to myself aloud again. Usually she just shrugs it off, but today she asked, "Why do you talk to yourself?" She is starting to figure out that her mother is just a touch crazy. (But she talks to herself, too. Maybe it's genetic. There is a line of crazy women in my family.)

report on meeting

Meeting with advisor went well. I didn't look stupid. I guess I cried on Tuesday for no reason. Not that it was the first time I've cried over my dissertation. Or the last.

I have to totally rewrite my dissertation proposal. I've known that since June but haven't done it. My advisor came very close to setting a deadline for me. I talked to him today about how I would rewrite it, and I do think that it is better in my head than my first proposal. It's just getting it on paper that is the problem. I even made a change that he hoped I would make but didn't tell me because he didn't want to force the change on me. That was good. And he suggested an additional chapter about something that I have not thought about at all. Not at all. That was not as good.

I need to get as excited about my dissertation as I am about teaching.

first day of school

Finally! I met my class today, and I was really excited about starting the semester--like, crazy hyper excited, but I tried to keep cool and not be such a dork in front of my students. Of course, today was just a lot of introductory material, throwing it at them pretty fast so they can decide if they want to bail before the add/drop deadline. I couldn't get a vibe from them, though. They all looked a little stunned. Glazed over. I don't know what to make of it. I don't know if it was me or my syllabus or all the computers or what. Or maybe it was just 9:00 a.m. At any rate, not my typical first day, and I'm anxious to get back on Monday to see if anything has changed. Or if I've lost half my class.

When I was checking roll, one student told me her name was Mary. After class, she came up to me and told me that she prefers to go by Mary Kay. "I didn't tell you that when you asked," she said, "because I didn't expect that you would want to learn my name."

I'm glad she decided that I was interested in learning her name.

Course evaluations

I've gotten some work done and I think I'll survive my meeting tomorrow. We'll see.

For now, I'm concerned about course evaluations. I do take them seriously and value student feedback, but I also try to keep it in perspective and not get myself worked up and paranoid over one disgruntled student. And isn't there always one? Last semester my class was totally online--never met my students in person although I did make myself available for face-to-face conferences. I am concerned about a few responses.

1. Assignments were too detailed and because of that were confusing. (this was an isolated comment but it stood out to me)
I was surprised at this--I would have expected the opposite to be true. In most of my classes I give assignment prompts that are at least a page long with bulleted lists of the essential elements. I do like my students to have some freedom to be creative, but I have generally found that too much freedom causes them to feel anxious (but that's not always bad). This was a Technical Writing class so the assignments did have precise requirements and were spelled out in great detail, more than I would usually give for a comp or lit class. So what do you think? Is there such a thing as too much detail for a tech writing assignment? How about for a more traditional academic essay? By graduate level, of course, most prompts consist of "Write a term paper. Period." Do lower level undergrads need more instructions while upper level need less? Should an online class have more detailed prompts to make up for the lack of classroom discussion of the assignment?

2. Too many assignments for an online class. (Not so isolated--maybe four people said this)
I think this just represents a problem with student attitudes toward online classes. They see it as a way to save time because they are too busy to sit in a classroom. And then when it requires as much work as a regular class, they are unhappily surprised. So this could just be chalked up to whining and ignored. But I think it might be something that has to be addressed in some way very early in the semester so students snap out of the mindset that they can breeze through the class simply because it is online.

3. Instructor seemed "annoyed or unwilling to offer advice."
Ouch. I am always frustrated when I score below perfect on the accessibility questions. I constantly remind and invite students to ask questions, email me, meet with me, etc. I don't know what to do when a student won't take advantage of it and then scores me low on evaluations. But there is another problem here. I seemed annoyed. Honestly, sometimes I was annoyed. My annoyance came when students did not ask questions or contact me when asked to but also when they did not read instructions and asked me questions that were clearly answered in the assignment prompts, or even worse, in bold letters on the announcements. My response to that was often "Read the instructions carefully and then ask me again if you have any more questions." That probably sounded like I was annoyed. I was. But what is the appropriate response? Electronic communication is, of course, notorious for miscommunications based on tone. No facial expression or tone of voice to help out. But there is also the problem that students (well, people in general) do not want to read instructions for themselves (especially, the long detailed ones in this class). This student's comment bothers me because it is really important to me to be available to my students and for them to feel comfortable approaching me. How do I communicate to them the importance of THEIR responsibility to read the course material carefully without sounding like I am annoyed if they ask me questions?

Incidentally, I did get positive comments on the same question. My favorite: “There was not a reasonable time when I could not reach her, unless it was late at night when normal people sleep.”

So there are a lot of questions, some rhetorical but others to which I would like some real answers. Any thoughts on these issues or course evaluations in general?

Academic time

I think about this topic all the time, so I was pleased to read PhDing's great post "The Circadian Rhythms of Academic Life" found on his new blog Doctorating (he is also cold and stuck at home--I wonder if he is close to me). I highly recommend you check it out, especially if you're feeling all cabin-fever-y like I am.

P.S. I get what you're trying to do with the name, but I always read it as Ph--Ding! It makes me smile.

P.P.S. This post is brought to you by the Backyardigans (with a short spurt of real work to follow, courtesy of Dora the Explorer).

Outlook not good

Weather is worse instead of better. It's another snow day, which is pretty much another lost work day. RB has not been taking naps because she's not doing enough to get tired. First day of school is postponed, and I was so looking forward to it in my dorky "I love school" way. Outlook is not good for the meeting on Friday. Yesterday I cried about it, but I'm pregnant and sometimes that just happens. Sigh.

A step in the right direction?

I just had an email exchange with my advisor, in which I had an easy opportunity to take an out from meeting with him until February. But I said I want to meet Friday. I am not ready for a meeting, but this will force me to put together some coherent ideas and articulate a real direction, even if there's nothing in writing. Otherwise I would allow myself to put it off and delay progress yet again. I have a knack for doing real work that is not the work I need to do. So I can justify, for example, throwing myself into teaching this week and spending more hours than are actually necessary while letting the dissertation fall by the wayside again. But I'm not letting myself justify it. I have committed to a meeting in three days and will have something to say at that meeting (even as I am still stuck at home with no child care because of the "ice storm" that I have yet to see). Or I will sit there and say, "uhhh....."

Edited to add: The ice finally got to me...brrrr.....

Carnival of GRADual Progress

As many of us sit home waiting out the ice because schools (and preschools) are closed, we can catch up with our fellow grad bloggers at the Sixth Carnival of GRADual Progress.

Stay warm, and for those with children cooped up in the house all day, try to stay sane, too.

Baby face

This is on the other blog but deserves a cross-posting.

Face at 27 weeks.

milestone blogging: teaching, diss, anonymity

I just realized my last post was number 200. Milestone. I'm trying to make some decisions about the blog.

This is an uncharacteristically long post, so in good technical writing style, I'll give you some headings so you can skip the stuff you don't want to read.

Blog slump:
I am in a blog slump and have been posting a lot more often to my family blog, which is all about pregnancy updates and pictures of RB. I have thought about ditching this blog because lately it's boring. But I'm going to chalk it up to the break and expect it to get better next week. I get all jumpy and anxious during breaks. I enjoy a little time off, but once I rest a bit, I want my routine back. Summer drives me crazy. I am so ready for classes to start because I really really love teaching and I also love to blog about teaching.

Teaching:
One decision I'm trying to make now is how specific to get about my class. I am requiring my students to blog this semester, which means that some will assume that I blog, and one of them will likely find my blog. So do I keep things vague so they can't find me? Or do I just write as though they are all reading it anyway? I prefer to blog more specifically about teaching because I feel like those posts are more substantial, interesting, and useful. But I will have to seriously consider the ramifications of students reading my blog (which I have blogged about before).

Diss:
Another decision I am considering is how specific to get about my dissertation. I have blogged about dissertation process but not much on content. I wonder how useful it might be to me to blog content a bit. It might really help. There is the possibility of a separate dissertation blog, but that doesn't really appeal to me. I also understand that my readers are less interested in my specific project than in broader issues that are more relevant to them. Of course there is also the danger of putting too much of my work out there for others to pillage. Whatever direction it takes, I will do more diss blogging this semester than last semester. Because I will do more diss. I must. I have to stop taking on other projects and get focused. But there is this article that I want to revise and submit for publication. I need to work on that, right?

Anonymity:
I guess this isn't really a decision to be made, but I am just not that interested in anonymity (or as I frequently and more accurately call it, semi-anonymity) anymore. I keep posting RB's real name without thinking. Of course, I've grown so fond of her abbreviation that I've started using it in emails and other shorthand away from the blog. My last name is hidden somewhere on the blog, too, so some people may have run across it. If you Google my very common real name, you won't find me. But if you run across this blog and you know me at all, you'll figure me out quickly. I have written about some very personal experiences, but I'm not a secretive or extremely private person--I have talked about all the stuff I've blogged in the hallways at school--including pregnancy and miscarriage, which I think are the most personal topics I've addressed here. I also don't rant about my friends and coworkers here because several people I know IRL read this blog and I don't think it's appropriate. What it comes down to is that I'm bored with trying to veil my identity in any way. I'm not sure that it's so important to be anonymous. Maybe I've just gotten so comfortable with blogging that it feels normal, not like some secret vice. Plus I also think it's really valuable personally and academically and I want to talk about that with people. And I can't do that if I'm trying to pretend like I don't blog.

new additions to the blog roll

We can expect to see some insightful commentary on academia, literature, parenting, and a dose of religion on Literacy-chic's new blog Words, Words.

And I have lately been following Canape's story on Don't Take the Repeats as she copes with a recent miscarriage. As the due date of my second pregnancy passed this Christmas, I've been reflecting on my own experience. Canape's words are honest and often painful but also beautiful. Sometimes what helps the most is connecting with someone who really understands how you feel.

the tomboy and the princess

My mother has decided that RB will be my "tomboy" while AB (who is still in utero) will be my "princess." I don't know how she has come to these conclusions or why there necessarily has to be the dichotomy of tomboy and princess, but there it is.

Ahh...the routine

Finally I can get back to something of a routine. RB is back in school and I am back at work (at home but at work). I actually went to the library yesterday and picked up an armload of books that I plan to plow through this week. One of them is titled All Out of Faith: Southern Women on Spirituality, and it has essays by Dorothy Allison, Sue Monk Kidd, and Barbara Kingsolver, among others. I think I'll start there. I am completely impressed by Allison and moreso by Kingsolver, but the jury is still out on Kidd. I haven't decided what I think of her yet or if she warrants a place in my dissertation. I may purchase this book for myself. You see, I have $1000 with which to purchase research materials and I have left it just sitting there since August. Why? I don't know--I just can't seem to get my act together. It seems like the promise of a pile of shiny new books would motivate me to get something done, but no.

So this week, it is on to the library books, and next week hopefully I'll take care of whatever it is I need to do to buy my new books. I also need to build my class in Moodle (our online course management program) and get that ready for next Wednesday, first day of class. Semester has started. Get off your butt, Sarah.

P.S. I had another quick ultrasound yesterday and saw Little Bit's face. She looks like a baby :) I also bought one of these because apparently after the first baby, the belly gets harder to support on its own. My hips hurt a lot, and the doc says this might help. But she also said there's nothing I can really do about it. It's okay. I resigned myself to just feeling bad throughout the whole pregnancy. I remember enjoying my first pregnancy, but maybe I'm just imagining that.

Braxton Hicks...ugh

Can I complain for a minute? I started having BH contractions at about 20 weeks. Much earlier than my first pregnancy (this one has been more difficult in pretty much every way). They really hurt. I've given birth and felt the "real thing," so I'm under no delusions that this feels like labor. But these contractions hurt and I have them every day and it pretty much sucks. That's all.